Thoughts

Written Friday, 9/3/04 ~ 11:58 P.M.

Driving home today, I asked Jaclyn this question: "If you were older than you are and you'd never had a boyfriend, do you think you'd still want one?" She said, "I don't know . . . what do you think?"

It's not a matter of thinking. It's a matter of knowing -- for me, anyway.

Eventually, you get to the point where people much younger than you are getting married. At that point, you start to think, "Screw it . . . relationships are stupid anyway." But way down deep inside, you long for companionship; you long to be held; you long for closeness. You long for all the things you'll probably never have, and then you get small and withdraw because you're only 22 and you realize that you have not and will probably never contribute to society. By withdrawing, you lessen your chances of having those things until they are completely gone and you live out your days crying for what could have been, what should have been, and what will never be. You spend your nights regretting the mistakes of the past, hating the monotony of the present, and dreading the emptiness of the future.