In which my intellect completely takes leave of me

I worked the weekend at Commons. It's rough. So, so boring. I entertained myself by writing "When Mommy was in college . . ." stories. I've had mixed reactions to them. Please let me know what you think of them . . .

1. When Mommy was in college, gas prices were too high. So, she stayed home and made her own fun. Then I was born and now she's poorer than ever.

2. When Mommy was in college, she met a boy who looked good in tight pants. He doesn't talk to her anymore. I think it has something to do with his pants. Or lack of pants.

3. When Mommy was in college, she met a nice boy. They got married and lived happily ever after -- until I was born. Then they died.

4. When Mommy was in college, she went to a party and drank too much and passed out. Uncle Mike had spiked her punch. Then, my cousin was born. Mommy was traumatized by this, so she went to see a psychiatrist who turned out to be Uncle Mike's brother and they lived happily ever after -- until I was born and Daddy got arrested for having improper relations with a patient. Then they got married and Uncle Mike kidnapped my cousin.

5. When Mommy was in college, she worked at Commons. She frightened the public safety people. I don't know how I came into being. All the boys were afraid of her. I think Mommy drugged Daddy.

6. When Mommy was in college, she was kidnapped by aliens. Then the nice doctors put her in the hospital because she had schizophrenic tendencies. She met a nice intern there who doesn't know he's my father. Or so she says -- I think Mommy hasn't quite recovered from the schizophrenia.

7. When Mommy was in college, her job was boring on weekends. She lost her mind after someone put trace amounts of cyanide in her grilled chicken sandwich. One weekend, Mommy was having one of her "Not-quite-right-in-the-head" spells. One of the football boys came to rent a vacuum and Mommy said, "You don't need to vacuum your room . . ." Mommy put up the change run sign, turned off the lights and locked the doors and she and the boy made wild love in the Commons Office Manager's office. In the middle of it all, Mommy stopped breathing and the football boy ran away. Michael came in 10 minutes later and found Mommy unconscious and called 911. They put Mommy on a breathing apparatus because her Mommy and Daddy weren't ready to say goodbye. After almost a year, I was born and then Mommy died.

8. When Mommy was in college, she was madly in love with the homecoming king, but he wouldn't talk to her. So, she devised a plan. She concocted a special love potion from beef broth and various veggies (primarily tomatoes, carrots and potatoes) -- and broccoli -- and served it with apple pie on fine china. Upon tasting the scrumptious morsels, the homecoming king was immediately mesmerized by Mommy's beauty and got down on one knee and said, "My darling . . . will you be my queen?" So they got married the next day like the doctor and the chick in D.H. Lawrence's "The Horsedealer's Daughter," and unlike the doctor and the chick, they lived happily ever after and made pretty stories, pretty music, and pretty babies for the rest of their lives -- until they got tired of making pretty babies. Then I was born.

I feel stupider for having worked this weekend. For all who care, HyVee has SMSU Student Day every Sunday now. It's a 5% discount on your purchase with a student ID.

Idriss asked me last night if I was going to spend the evening writing novels. Lol -- he makes me giggle.
~MK