In which I experience cognitive dissonance -- again

For all who care, this is my twelve dozenth post. For those who aren't into math (like me), that means it's number 144.

This morning I was walking to lunch after class and I met Scoop in the hall. Scoop said hi. And I thought to myself, "Scoop. Don't say hi." Cuz when people are nice to me, it makes it harder for me to do what I have to do. I am certain though that this is the end. I am not going back. What makes it different this time is I have an explanation and I've never had an explanation before -- and my excuses were never ones that people would buy. This one you can't really argue with. I was talking with my church secretary yesterday about the whole issue and I cried like a baby. I told her all the things that aren't right with the situation and she said, "This is obviously not a positive place for you. You know all these things about this group and they're hurtful to you. You know you would be better off leaving. But it still hurts. Why does it hurt?" Good question. I was thinking about it a lot and I think it's because of the "could bes" and "ifs" of the situation. I know what it could be if people just wanted it to be that way. I know what I could be missing if only the whole point of the group was what it was supposed to be. I know what I could give if only I was given a chance. And I suppose, it has a little to do with my rotten RA my freshman year who did everything in her power to make me leave and now she's finally winning. She doesn't deserve to win. She told me that I would never fit in and I'd never be anything to anyone there and I shouldn't go back and it turned out that she was right. I wish I had never gotten involved with it in the first place.

I had to stay 30 minutes late at work today and I was almost late for choir. Two of the choir board came through my line when I was supposed to leave and I almost asked the president to talk to Jennifer and tell her that if she didn't let me go, he would send a big, scary Norwegian after her. Lol -- that would have been funny. But Jennifer would have made me pay for it later, and I have enough problems with her as it is so I thought better of the idea.
~MK