Forgiveness
Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with one another and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them together in perfect unity. Colossians 3:12-14
These verses have been my theme for the past couple of months. It wasn't my choice. It just kept coming up.
I was really upset with Suzie that time in November, and I had called my pastor to talk about it because I was really confused, but he was just about to walk out the door so I couldn't talk to him. I was really sad because....what's a girl to do? I picked up the photos I got at the memorial service for the students who died in October and I was reading the verses on the paper and the first one I read was that one. ....Holy and dearly loved. Clothe yourselves with compassion. Kindness. Humility. Gentleness. Patience. Forgive. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. Put on love. Ok God. I get it. I'm sorry. I prayed for an ability to forgive Suzie for her hurtful words and that I'd be able to love her in spite of it all. And it was better.
It's all about forgiveness. And love.
Home was difficult. A lot of the hurt began to resurface. Stuff I thought I'd gotten over -- but I hadn't. But I dealt as much as I could -- which consisted of new lipgloss. Sad. Sad that it actually seemed to help -- for a few minutes.
I went to TCX again. I wasn't going to go because of money issues, but Matthew told me I should and he was even willing to put Cru's scholarship money on the line. I was like, "Rockin'-awesome man!" And I went. Things happened. It was amazing.
I'm not desperate because I give up.
I give up because I'm afraid I'll be hurt.
I feel that I will be hurt because there is no hope for my desires.
I feel there is no hope because I feel I can't trust God.
If you had asked me, prior to 12/29/05 if I felt God was a good God, I would have said "yes, definitely." We were asked to ponder why we, personally, don't go to Him in desperation -- in great need, knowing that He and He alone is going to be able to take care of the problem. The previous 4 lines are what I came up with. When it comes right down to it, it's because God's idea of goodness is round and MJ's idea of goodness is square. His idea is a bit less than I think is enough. Or else, His idea is square and mine is round -- and He gives me more than I bargained for. And I'm disappointed and hurt. And even though I think I believe God is a good God, way down deep, there's part of me screaming out in protest, but it's not screaming loud enough that anyone other than God can really tell. And I'm completely oblivious to the whole thing -- we're supposed to love God regardless, and trust Him no matter what, right? And not cry when we don't get what we want. It's ok. Just don't feel. It'll be ok. God is sovreign. There's a difference between knowing something and really believing it. I knew God was supposed to be a good God and I just went along with it and tried to accept it even when I didn't like it -- but on the inside I was rebelling against the whole thing. "God, how could You do this to me? How could You ask me to do this? How can You see me as I am and allow this stuff?" Discontentment. Bitterness. Disappointment. It's not for me to be discontent. It's to figure out something good and cling to that. Rick told me a story about this guy he knew once who prayed like this every day, "I thank You Lawd for this day, and I thank You Lawd for each breath that I take...." It was because he knew that it was God's choice to allow each breath that we breathe. I prayed that God would allow something good to happen in my life and that I'd be able to see the good things He's done. I was sitting all alone and a few minutes later, a bunch of people came to the area I was sitting in and one of the girls in the group saw that I had been crying. She came over and asked if I was ok and when I said I was fine, she said, "Do you need to talk?" I'd never seen this girl before, and she cared so much. I told her I would be ok and she walked away and tears started to pour down my cheeks. It was God's answer. Showing His love through someone else. Then I started to think about things that had happened to me in the past, in search of something good. And I found it. Once upon a time, Mum and I were taking our old Impala out. The car was older than me and it didn't work well. Dad thought he had gotten it fixed. But we got 2 blocks from home and it died and it wouldn't start again. Cars began to line up behind us at the light. The drivers got upset because we weren't going. They started to pull around us. We sat through 3 lights trying to figure out what to do. Finally, this big fancy car pulled up behind us and Mum started to get out to tell the guy to pull around, but before she even got the door open, a man wearing a really nice suit and overcoat had gotten out of the car. He asked if there was a problem and Mum said yeah, the car wouldn't start. He said, "Open up the hood," and pulled a screw driver out of his pocket while he waited. He said, "If this ever happens again, just do this and you'll be fine." He totally fixed the car! He got back in his car and drove away. That was totally God -- I think it was an angel or something. How often does a guy in a fancy car and party clothes carry tools in his coat pocket? And how often does someone of that socio-economic class actually know how to fix cars? I thought about this and I was like, "Eeek! God is a good God after all!" It was a forgiveness thing. He hadn't done what I thought was good. It made me mad. I had to forgive. And it was all better.
Everything was cool until Women's Time. I tend to dislike Women's Time. Dislike is an understatement. It's the last place I want to be. Me, in a room with 700 other girls? Totally NOT happenin' -- at least, not without a protest. I didn't pay much attention to the message. It was about influencing other women. But that's all I know. God was dealing with me. MJ, hun. You need to learn to love women. Like I love them. Respect them. Honor the things that you hate about them. But you need to learn to love yourself, respect yourself and honor yourself FIRST in order to love, respect and honor others. Hun, you're jealous -- because your story is different. Because you aren't perfect -- and you know that you don't have to be perfect, but you still feel that you need to. You hate yourself because you can't be perfect. But you shouldn't. Hate the jealousy and the comparison. Separate jealousy and comparison from yourself so that you can hate them -- and not hate YOURSELF at the same time. THEY are worthy of hatred -- YOU are NOT! YOU are the daughter of the King. You are beautiful. You are perfect in my eyes because I watched you as you grew in your mother's womb. I knew every last detail and I thought it was good. If I hadn't thought it was good, I would have made you different. I could have. But I didn't. You are NOT a mistake. I wrote your story before you were even conceived and I cried when I allowed the pain. I hurt as you hurt. As your life began to unfold, I cried again out of compassion as you experienced that pain and hurt. I cried because I loved you -- even though you didn't. Because I respected my creation, even when she didn't respect me back. Because I honored the specific things about her that she hates. I adored this special creation of Mine. And I will dry My tears. I am beginning even now -- My precious daughter is beginning to separate herself from her problems so she can hate her character deficiencies -- but still love herself -- and respect herself -- and honor herself.
There was a lady named Heather there; on staff with Cru at St. Cloud. We were supposed to talk about the stuff we had been listening to. Heather happened to be sitting next to me, so we were in a group together. When we were told to talk about how we were going to influence other women on our campuses, I said, "I don't want to. I hate women. This is the last place I want to be right now...." Heather asked if we could talk more when it was done and I said of course. Because I knew I couldn't do this thing myself. I ended up talking to her for over an hour, telling her all the things that had happened to me and it was good. We prayed. And then she had to go.
Saturday (12/31) was an interesting day for me. God was dealing with me about the whole woman issue again. After the first session, when we were doing our quiet time, I wasn't focusing on what they had suggested we think about because my women issue was so huge to me right then. I was praying about being able to trust women enough to be able to show them how I really feel about things -- for example, I had gotten to the point where I refused to show any emotion whatsoever around girls because I didn't want them to know that there were things they could do that would hurt me. I prayed that the Lord would help me to tear down those walls I had built. When we started worshipping after that, I just broke -- I cried like a baby. And the really cool thing was that no one thought it was odd, nor did anyone do anything to hurt me.
I thought that was pretty cool, but then later in the day, the girls from my campus got all stressed out over something and that upset me a little because it was kinda petty. Then I talked to my brother. I had been having an awesome day until then, but I wanted to cry after these two incidents, but I felt that I couldn't. The girls knew something was wrong and asked me about it, but I wouldn't tell them. They asked me to go with them to wait to get into the final session, and I told them I didn't want to. I would go by myself later. The last session is the most incredible one of all of them. They only allow 20 people in at a time and they don't allow anyone to talk. The only lights are the candles burning at the front. They want us to experience God's Presence and His glory. When I finally got in, I instantly started to cry. It was so beautiful.... I know that it doesn't even compare to what Heaven is like, but after experiencing it, I can't wait for heaven. I had refused to sit with my campus because I went to the one last year and I knew I would cry. I sat alone and cried and prayed -- and the focus of my prayers was the women issue. I asked the Lord what it was that was keeping me from having these relationships with women and loving them and all that jazz, and He said, "MJ, hun, it's because you're hurting because of the things some of the girls have done to you." I asked Him to take the hurt away and to help me to love girls like He does. I asked Him what I could do to change things. As I was praying, I saw a picture of myself lying flat on my face before the throne of God, and Jesus came to me and knelt by me and put His hands on my head. He said, "MJ, I allowed that pain and those hurts for a purpose. I intended for you to experience what it was like. But I never intended for you to hang on to that pain. It's too big a burden for you to carry. Just let Me take it, hun." He reached into my heart and began to pull out all the junk in there -- kinda like you pull out the pumpkin seeds when you make a jack-o-lantern. He reached into every nook and cranny and kept pulling stuff out. I don't remember much of what happened for the rest of the time before the meeting, but I felt much better. I've learned that when God does surgery, it's not just surgery. He does a transplant. You can't have an empty spot because if you do, the enemy will try to fill that spot with something bad. This was a transplant -- it was as if He took the garbage and put love for those girls in its place. After the message, during the committment time, I went over to where my campus was sitting and I hugged all the girls and we all cried on each other and as the emcee dude described it, we all "wore each other's tears and snot" -- and it was a jolly-grand time.
Things are definitely different. It's all about forgiveness. And Love. And God is good. For real. I'm not just saying it. I believe it from the bottom of my heart. My God is a good God!
Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with one another and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues, put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Colossians 3:12-14
~MJ
These verses have been my theme for the past couple of months. It wasn't my choice. It just kept coming up.
I was really upset with Suzie that time in November, and I had called my pastor to talk about it because I was really confused, but he was just about to walk out the door so I couldn't talk to him. I was really sad because....what's a girl to do? I picked up the photos I got at the memorial service for the students who died in October and I was reading the verses on the paper and the first one I read was that one. ....Holy and dearly loved. Clothe yourselves with compassion. Kindness. Humility. Gentleness. Patience. Forgive. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. Put on love. Ok God. I get it. I'm sorry. I prayed for an ability to forgive Suzie for her hurtful words and that I'd be able to love her in spite of it all. And it was better.
It's all about forgiveness. And love.
Home was difficult. A lot of the hurt began to resurface. Stuff I thought I'd gotten over -- but I hadn't. But I dealt as much as I could -- which consisted of new lipgloss. Sad. Sad that it actually seemed to help -- for a few minutes.
I went to TCX again. I wasn't going to go because of money issues, but Matthew told me I should and he was even willing to put Cru's scholarship money on the line. I was like, "Rockin'-awesome man!" And I went. Things happened. It was amazing.
I'm not desperate because I give up.
I give up because I'm afraid I'll be hurt.
I feel that I will be hurt because there is no hope for my desires.
I feel there is no hope because I feel I can't trust God.
If you had asked me, prior to 12/29/05 if I felt God was a good God, I would have said "yes, definitely." We were asked to ponder why we, personally, don't go to Him in desperation -- in great need, knowing that He and He alone is going to be able to take care of the problem. The previous 4 lines are what I came up with. When it comes right down to it, it's because God's idea of goodness is round and MJ's idea of goodness is square. His idea is a bit less than I think is enough. Or else, His idea is square and mine is round -- and He gives me more than I bargained for. And I'm disappointed and hurt. And even though I think I believe God is a good God, way down deep, there's part of me screaming out in protest, but it's not screaming loud enough that anyone other than God can really tell. And I'm completely oblivious to the whole thing -- we're supposed to love God regardless, and trust Him no matter what, right? And not cry when we don't get what we want. It's ok. Just don't feel. It'll be ok. God is sovreign. There's a difference between knowing something and really believing it. I knew God was supposed to be a good God and I just went along with it and tried to accept it even when I didn't like it -- but on the inside I was rebelling against the whole thing. "God, how could You do this to me? How could You ask me to do this? How can You see me as I am and allow this stuff?" Discontentment. Bitterness. Disappointment. It's not for me to be discontent. It's to figure out something good and cling to that. Rick told me a story about this guy he knew once who prayed like this every day, "I thank You Lawd for this day, and I thank You Lawd for each breath that I take...." It was because he knew that it was God's choice to allow each breath that we breathe. I prayed that God would allow something good to happen in my life and that I'd be able to see the good things He's done. I was sitting all alone and a few minutes later, a bunch of people came to the area I was sitting in and one of the girls in the group saw that I had been crying. She came over and asked if I was ok and when I said I was fine, she said, "Do you need to talk?" I'd never seen this girl before, and she cared so much. I told her I would be ok and she walked away and tears started to pour down my cheeks. It was God's answer. Showing His love through someone else. Then I started to think about things that had happened to me in the past, in search of something good. And I found it. Once upon a time, Mum and I were taking our old Impala out. The car was older than me and it didn't work well. Dad thought he had gotten it fixed. But we got 2 blocks from home and it died and it wouldn't start again. Cars began to line up behind us at the light. The drivers got upset because we weren't going. They started to pull around us. We sat through 3 lights trying to figure out what to do. Finally, this big fancy car pulled up behind us and Mum started to get out to tell the guy to pull around, but before she even got the door open, a man wearing a really nice suit and overcoat had gotten out of the car. He asked if there was a problem and Mum said yeah, the car wouldn't start. He said, "Open up the hood," and pulled a screw driver out of his pocket while he waited. He said, "If this ever happens again, just do this and you'll be fine." He totally fixed the car! He got back in his car and drove away. That was totally God -- I think it was an angel or something. How often does a guy in a fancy car and party clothes carry tools in his coat pocket? And how often does someone of that socio-economic class actually know how to fix cars? I thought about this and I was like, "Eeek! God is a good God after all!" It was a forgiveness thing. He hadn't done what I thought was good. It made me mad. I had to forgive. And it was all better.
Everything was cool until Women's Time. I tend to dislike Women's Time. Dislike is an understatement. It's the last place I want to be. Me, in a room with 700 other girls? Totally NOT happenin' -- at least, not without a protest. I didn't pay much attention to the message. It was about influencing other women. But that's all I know. God was dealing with me. MJ, hun. You need to learn to love women. Like I love them. Respect them. Honor the things that you hate about them. But you need to learn to love yourself, respect yourself and honor yourself FIRST in order to love, respect and honor others. Hun, you're jealous -- because your story is different. Because you aren't perfect -- and you know that you don't have to be perfect, but you still feel that you need to. You hate yourself because you can't be perfect. But you shouldn't. Hate the jealousy and the comparison. Separate jealousy and comparison from yourself so that you can hate them -- and not hate YOURSELF at the same time. THEY are worthy of hatred -- YOU are NOT! YOU are the daughter of the King. You are beautiful. You are perfect in my eyes because I watched you as you grew in your mother's womb. I knew every last detail and I thought it was good. If I hadn't thought it was good, I would have made you different. I could have. But I didn't. You are NOT a mistake. I wrote your story before you were even conceived and I cried when I allowed the pain. I hurt as you hurt. As your life began to unfold, I cried again out of compassion as you experienced that pain and hurt. I cried because I loved you -- even though you didn't. Because I respected my creation, even when she didn't respect me back. Because I honored the specific things about her that she hates. I adored this special creation of Mine. And I will dry My tears. I am beginning even now -- My precious daughter is beginning to separate herself from her problems so she can hate her character deficiencies -- but still love herself -- and respect herself -- and honor herself.
There was a lady named Heather there; on staff with Cru at St. Cloud. We were supposed to talk about the stuff we had been listening to. Heather happened to be sitting next to me, so we were in a group together. When we were told to talk about how we were going to influence other women on our campuses, I said, "I don't want to. I hate women. This is the last place I want to be right now...." Heather asked if we could talk more when it was done and I said of course. Because I knew I couldn't do this thing myself. I ended up talking to her for over an hour, telling her all the things that had happened to me and it was good. We prayed. And then she had to go.
Saturday (12/31) was an interesting day for me. God was dealing with me about the whole woman issue again. After the first session, when we were doing our quiet time, I wasn't focusing on what they had suggested we think about because my women issue was so huge to me right then. I was praying about being able to trust women enough to be able to show them how I really feel about things -- for example, I had gotten to the point where I refused to show any emotion whatsoever around girls because I didn't want them to know that there were things they could do that would hurt me. I prayed that the Lord would help me to tear down those walls I had built. When we started worshipping after that, I just broke -- I cried like a baby. And the really cool thing was that no one thought it was odd, nor did anyone do anything to hurt me.
I thought that was pretty cool, but then later in the day, the girls from my campus got all stressed out over something and that upset me a little because it was kinda petty. Then I talked to my brother. I had been having an awesome day until then, but I wanted to cry after these two incidents, but I felt that I couldn't. The girls knew something was wrong and asked me about it, but I wouldn't tell them. They asked me to go with them to wait to get into the final session, and I told them I didn't want to. I would go by myself later. The last session is the most incredible one of all of them. They only allow 20 people in at a time and they don't allow anyone to talk. The only lights are the candles burning at the front. They want us to experience God's Presence and His glory. When I finally got in, I instantly started to cry. It was so beautiful.... I know that it doesn't even compare to what Heaven is like, but after experiencing it, I can't wait for heaven. I had refused to sit with my campus because I went to the one last year and I knew I would cry. I sat alone and cried and prayed -- and the focus of my prayers was the women issue. I asked the Lord what it was that was keeping me from having these relationships with women and loving them and all that jazz, and He said, "MJ, hun, it's because you're hurting because of the things some of the girls have done to you." I asked Him to take the hurt away and to help me to love girls like He does. I asked Him what I could do to change things. As I was praying, I saw a picture of myself lying flat on my face before the throne of God, and Jesus came to me and knelt by me and put His hands on my head. He said, "MJ, I allowed that pain and those hurts for a purpose. I intended for you to experience what it was like. But I never intended for you to hang on to that pain. It's too big a burden for you to carry. Just let Me take it, hun." He reached into my heart and began to pull out all the junk in there -- kinda like you pull out the pumpkin seeds when you make a jack-o-lantern. He reached into every nook and cranny and kept pulling stuff out. I don't remember much of what happened for the rest of the time before the meeting, but I felt much better. I've learned that when God does surgery, it's not just surgery. He does a transplant. You can't have an empty spot because if you do, the enemy will try to fill that spot with something bad. This was a transplant -- it was as if He took the garbage and put love for those girls in its place. After the message, during the committment time, I went over to where my campus was sitting and I hugged all the girls and we all cried on each other and as the emcee dude described it, we all "wore each other's tears and snot" -- and it was a jolly-grand time.
Things are definitely different. It's all about forgiveness. And Love. And God is good. For real. I'm not just saying it. I believe it from the bottom of my heart. My God is a good God!
Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with one another and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues, put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Colossians 3:12-14
~MJ
posted by Mari Kate @ 11:44 PM
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