Surprise!

I'm free!

No, this does not mean that I'm easy. It just means that I'm not bogged down.

I sat down to write this and the word that came into my head for the subject was "surprise." It made me think of a song by Plumb that goes like this:

You thought you had me all tied up in a little knot
You thought I'd go on living just like you
till you ask me nicely to stop...

But, surprise

I'm free
I'm free
I'm free, to be the girl you tried to steal


I think this song totally describes me. People, fear, attitudes and worries tried to control me. I was literally all tied up in a little knot. I couldn't be who I was for fear of offending someone. Worry of what other people might be thinking or how they might react consumed me. These things really thought they could control me until THEY released me. They thought they were in charge. If worry and fear could think, they'd be thinking, "I've got you now and I'm not letting you go!"

But surprise! I'm free!!

I'm not who I thought I was -- or who everyone else thought I was.

I love to pray. Sometimes I go to the Prayer Room at my church, just to be alone and alive and real with God. When I go, I pray like this....

"God, thank you that you have begun a good work in me and that you are, and will be, faithful to complete it."

And, of course, a lot of other stuff.

I often pray, with fear and trembling, that God would strip away all the stuff that keeps me from being real with people. I pray this with fear and trembling because I know that the breaking and stripping is hard and painful. And so I ask for a Holy Ghost dose of grace along with it -- because the spiritual and the emotional are so closely related that it's almost like they're entwined. If God didn't pour out His grace as I am being broken, I would be a mess. I've had times when I probably could have used 4 or 5 doses of grace at once, and didn't get quite as much as I thought I needed. I feel sorry for my poor roommate when this happens.....

But after a all that turmoil, Surprise!!

I'm free!

Last night I was in a meeting where we talked about co-dependency. Co-dependency is a relational problem where one is very concerned about pleasing others and doing everything they can to keep peace with the people around them. It's a good thing to have a desire to please people and get along with people. It's a problem when it shapes every interaction and when it becomes impossible to be yourself and be real with people. Last night, I had to do an inventory thing to determine how co-dependent I am. There were 15 questions, and if you answered yes to 5 or more, you were at a level where you need to seek professional help.

As I read the questions, I thought to myself, "At one time, that was true of me. But it's not anymore!" Surprise! I'm free!

There were only 3 behaviors that I could say that I have an issue with on an every day basis.

And then I began to question.... There were some that were true sometimes, but not on an every day basis. I wondered if I was indeed really free of the co-dependent lifestyle, or if I was just getting incredibly self-centered or if maybe I was simply deceiving myself and only thinking that the statements weren't true of me.

When I sat down to write, I realized that it's not about whether or not I ever participate in co-dependent habits again. It's about the fact that somewhere along the line, I don't know when, where, or how, all that crap became a non-issue. I see this picture of me, standing at the foot of the cross, and I've dropped that burden. I think that I actually dropped that burden a while ago, but I wasn't aware of it at the time. Now that I know I've dropped it, it's time for me to say, "God, this is yours. I'm done with this," and turn around and walk away. I have to leave it there.

And when I leave it there, I will be free!

What a beautiful picture....



I wasn't even going to write about that tonight. I was just going to say how absolutely thrilled I am to be alive right now. I had the most incredible day ever. I ran around all day long and was incredibly busy, but somehow, I was able to cram everything in, and I still had time to get a few extra tasks done too, AND to reflect on God's goodness! How happy is that??? God is GOOD!

My roommate gave me an assignment to think of 5 happy things I've experienced throughout the day every day for a week and 3 things that I like about myself. My list is crazy today.... She's probably going to laugh at me when she sees it. But that's ok. :-)

Love,
~MJ