Some thoughts
I've had a few conversations about marriage lately.
People keep telling me to not even go there.
I only know what is in my heart, and in my heart is to go there.
It makes me so sad when people say I shouldn't "go there." I don't have to "go there." It's like I'm "there" already. I don't have to transcend a distinguishable mental barrier in order to "go there." I don't dwell on it. It's not on my mind 24/7. But it's such a part of who I am that not going there isn't exactly an option. If I wanted to "not go there," I'd have to have something removed in order to "not go there." It would take some kind of emotional or mental surgery.
I don't think that would be a good thing.
Sometimes I wonder if God is playing a cruel joke on me. I've laid this thing at His feet. If He asks me to be single forever, then so be it. I might not enjoy the idea of being single forever, but you know, it would be ok. But I've asked Him to take the desire away if He had no intention of letting me have it. He hasn't taken it. Sometimes I feel like God is saying "You know what? Just because I'm God and I can, I'm going to make you be single for the rest of your days -- but I'm not going to take the desire for marriage away."
That one's a cheap trick.
I suppose this is one of those "Feelings aren't reality" moments. Thank God....
This all came up, first of all, because I was at Perkins with S. and I commented that the host was a pretty good-looking guy. To make a long story short, I had to explain to S. that just because a guy is good-looking, it doesn't mean that I want to date him, go to bed with him, marry him, or necessarily even talk to him. It just means that I have an appreciation for his aesthetic qualities.
After S. left, I sat in the smoking section with R. for a very long time. And I declared afterward that I would NOT lose my voice. (And I didn't.)
Generally, people tell me one of two things on the topic of marriage. I either get "Girls don't _______, they get married and have babies," or I get "Don't go there." There's no middle ground there. I haven't heard the first one in a long time -- like, basically since my parents started talking to me again. (All the other people that used to say those things pretty much don't talk to me anymore.)
R. was different. I think he's the only person who has ever said something along the lines of "don't pursue IT, but pursue God and pursue God IN it." Meaning, go after God, but ask Him stuff like, "Ok, so what do you want to do in ME that will get me there?" and "What exactly would I look for if I was looking?"
It might seem strange for me to be talking to a guy in the smoking section about it, but R. is R. and he's cool and he's totally easy to talk to. About basically anything. He's kind of like having an older brother.
Last night, someone told me to "not go there" again. That was sad.
And today, I got an invitation to a wedding. My friend is more than 2 years younger than me and the guy looks like he's probably 30-35 years old. It made me sad. Not because she's getting married, but because it's most likely one of those arranged marriage deals. I know this because I know her and her family pretty well. She was never allowed to associate with people except for the ones that her parents chose for her to be friends with. It's kind of like on Legally Blonde. Her Dad "woke up one morning and decided" 'I think I'll go find someone for my daughter to marry today.' (I don't say this out of maliciousness -- that's just how it works for my friend.) I'm kind of sad for her. That sort of arrangement is so.... unbeautiful. I think I'd cry if I went to that wedding.
At any rate, last night, I was thinking about the whole issue of marriage. I was trying to figure out why I want to get married anyway. I mean, it's not like I've had super-great role models that made it look awesomely spectacular. My parents pretty much hated each other for the longest time.... (The more recent role models are better though....) I could only conclude that the desire has to be God. It has to be something that God put in me for some divine purpose that I don't necessarily understand right now. Then I thought, "Well, what do I hope to accomplish through it?" Actually, not a whole lot. I don't want to get married because if I was married, I could say I was married. Whoop-de-do. So what? I s'pose if I got married, I could have sex. Eh, that's not even a reason, really. I could have babies. But yeah. I could have babies before I got married if I REALLY wanted to. (I don't....)
After much.... soul searching.... I came up with this:
Marriage is a state of completeness. It's God and man and woman, all entwined in such a way as to make one out of the three. It's equality and harmony. It's companionship. It's affection and romance and even passion sometimes. It's beauty and pain and pleasure and love and sacrifice. But more than anything, it is being complete. It's three parts that can function alone, but function differently, and sometimes, better, together.
It's not status or a sense of belonging that I long for. It's completion.
Love,
~MJ
People keep telling me to not even go there.
I only know what is in my heart, and in my heart is to go there.
It makes me so sad when people say I shouldn't "go there." I don't have to "go there." It's like I'm "there" already. I don't have to transcend a distinguishable mental barrier in order to "go there." I don't dwell on it. It's not on my mind 24/7. But it's such a part of who I am that not going there isn't exactly an option. If I wanted to "not go there," I'd have to have something removed in order to "not go there." It would take some kind of emotional or mental surgery.
I don't think that would be a good thing.
Sometimes I wonder if God is playing a cruel joke on me. I've laid this thing at His feet. If He asks me to be single forever, then so be it. I might not enjoy the idea of being single forever, but you know, it would be ok. But I've asked Him to take the desire away if He had no intention of letting me have it. He hasn't taken it. Sometimes I feel like God is saying "You know what? Just because I'm God and I can, I'm going to make you be single for the rest of your days -- but I'm not going to take the desire for marriage away."
That one's a cheap trick.
I suppose this is one of those "Feelings aren't reality" moments. Thank God....
This all came up, first of all, because I was at Perkins with S. and I commented that the host was a pretty good-looking guy. To make a long story short, I had to explain to S. that just because a guy is good-looking, it doesn't mean that I want to date him, go to bed with him, marry him, or necessarily even talk to him. It just means that I have an appreciation for his aesthetic qualities.
After S. left, I sat in the smoking section with R. for a very long time. And I declared afterward that I would NOT lose my voice. (And I didn't.)
Generally, people tell me one of two things on the topic of marriage. I either get "Girls don't _______, they get married and have babies," or I get "Don't go there." There's no middle ground there. I haven't heard the first one in a long time -- like, basically since my parents started talking to me again. (All the other people that used to say those things pretty much don't talk to me anymore.)
R. was different. I think he's the only person who has ever said something along the lines of "don't pursue IT, but pursue God and pursue God IN it." Meaning, go after God, but ask Him stuff like, "Ok, so what do you want to do in ME that will get me there?" and "What exactly would I look for if I was looking?"
It might seem strange for me to be talking to a guy in the smoking section about it, but R. is R. and he's cool and he's totally easy to talk to. About basically anything. He's kind of like having an older brother.
Last night, someone told me to "not go there" again. That was sad.
And today, I got an invitation to a wedding. My friend is more than 2 years younger than me and the guy looks like he's probably 30-35 years old. It made me sad. Not because she's getting married, but because it's most likely one of those arranged marriage deals. I know this because I know her and her family pretty well. She was never allowed to associate with people except for the ones that her parents chose for her to be friends with. It's kind of like on Legally Blonde. Her Dad "woke up one morning and decided" 'I think I'll go find someone for my daughter to marry today.' (I don't say this out of maliciousness -- that's just how it works for my friend.) I'm kind of sad for her. That sort of arrangement is so.... unbeautiful. I think I'd cry if I went to that wedding.
At any rate, last night, I was thinking about the whole issue of marriage. I was trying to figure out why I want to get married anyway. I mean, it's not like I've had super-great role models that made it look awesomely spectacular. My parents pretty much hated each other for the longest time.... (The more recent role models are better though....) I could only conclude that the desire has to be God. It has to be something that God put in me for some divine purpose that I don't necessarily understand right now. Then I thought, "Well, what do I hope to accomplish through it?" Actually, not a whole lot. I don't want to get married because if I was married, I could say I was married. Whoop-de-do. So what? I s'pose if I got married, I could have sex. Eh, that's not even a reason, really. I could have babies. But yeah. I could have babies before I got married if I REALLY wanted to. (I don't....)
After much.... soul searching.... I came up with this:
Marriage is a state of completeness. It's God and man and woman, all entwined in such a way as to make one out of the three. It's equality and harmony. It's companionship. It's affection and romance and even passion sometimes. It's beauty and pain and pleasure and love and sacrifice. But more than anything, it is being complete. It's three parts that can function alone, but function differently, and sometimes, better, together.
It's not status or a sense of belonging that I long for. It's completion.
Love,
~MJ
posted by Mari Kate @ 12:41 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home