In which I walk alone

I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known
Don't know where it goes
But it's home to me and I walk alone

I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps
and I'm the only one and I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk a...

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone

I wish I didn't like this song. Liking something means that you can identify with it in some way. It's emotionally difficult to be able to identify with something this sad.

Last night I came to the end of it all. I mean, I'm alive and . . . not exactly well . . . what I mean is that the things I was clinging to ended. I used to be so sad all the time. I had no hope at all. It is so difficult to live without hope. You want to die every single day. But then Andy happened. I guess he didn't really HAPPEN. He's always been. But I started to allow myself to feel and in allowing myself to feel, I had to start to accept myself and find something to like about myself because if I couldn't, then who could? In allowing myself to like someone else and in finding likable stuff about myself, I found a sense of purpose. I found things that I was good at and that I liked. For almost 6 months, my life was almost happy. (There were some difficult times, but not as many as before and they didn't hurt as much.)

And then this weekend happened. First, in trying to talk to my brother, I found that things will never be like they used to be. He's always going to be too busy for me. My relationship with him is always going to be one where I can only talk to him on rare occasions and only for a few minutes, and I may never physically see him again. That hurt. We used to be so close. Now it's all gone.

Then I found out that Andy and Scoop had done stuff with Shannon and Ann all weekend and they didn't ask me to do anything with them. That hurt . . . And they left without saying anything. That hurt too. It was almost like I didn't matter.

I felt like I had lost two of the same thing within 24 hours, and it really, really hurt. I had been praying about Andy as I felt the Lord leading me to do, and I decided that I had had enough. Who does he think he is to treat me like that? I was NOT going to be treated like that. I determined that I was through with him. No more. The end.

I cried. I cried until I fell asleep last night and I woke up and prayed that I'd be able to let go of him and still be sane. Then I called one of my friends and talked about it and that made me feel better. But I was still sad. I almost cried as I started writing this blog, but I couldn't let myself because I had an interview and I didn't need to mess up my makeup. I felt so hopeless and like my life was over. I felt like I had not only lost my brother and my friend, but I had also lost my reason to be in school. I don't want a job in Psych and I was basing my writing on things that have happened to me as a result of this thing with Andy, so my whole reason for being here ended.

My day was made a tad better by a job offer from Shopko. Yay! I think I'll love working there. We get every other weekend off! Yay! The people that interviewed me were SO nice and it was really great.

I went to church and I talked to a lady about what was going on. I told her the whole story from back in Dec. when I was horribly depressed all the time to allowing myself to feel in Jan., to Florida to Easter to Sioux Falls to Timmy to talking to Andy in the hall the next night to Wisconsin to this weekend and all the stuff in between, and that made me feel better. And I realized that my refusing to pray was really arrogant. I was refusing because "how dare he treat me like that???" How dare I have that attitude? How dare I refuse what I believe God has spoken to me? How dare I reject His words when my rejection is based solely on my own feelings and insecurities? How dare I? The lady told me that she would pray for me, and not only for me, but for Andy as well, that the Lord would reveal to him the same things that He has revealed to me. That is pretty sweet! And I feel better about praying for that myself, too.
~MK