Chocolate rocks

I'm really happy that I have chocolate. If I didn't, I'd have to seriously hurt someone or something. I'm really stressed out.

• Last Monday, Z made me turn really red in class.
• He also seems to think I'm a genius.
• The boys won on Hawaiian night. I wish I hadn't gone.
• Saturday night rocked. Nate is my new "little brother." (Although in many ways, he's much older than me.)
• My pastor told me on Monday that he heard me singing loud and clear on Sunday morning and it was really nice.
• I realized that night that I pretty much AM a genius, no matter how you look at it. This is sad. I said, "Since God IS love, if He were to stop loving us, He would have to cease to exist." The fellas looked at me stupidly, and finally, Scoop said, "That was really deep..." But seriously, it's true. If God stopped loving us, He'd have to cease to exist and the whole world would be chaos. It's sad being smart. No one can relate to you.
• I watched snippets of the Grammys. I saw Kelly Clarkson get Pop Album of the Year and come on stage and say, "Thank you Jesus and God and everyone else who's helped me get here" while she was trying not to cry.
• Last night rocked. Derek and Glen recorded our practice and we sound really good as long as we're all on the same key and have a good beat going. (Except that when there's more than 3 female vocalists, we blend too much.)
• Nate tried to pour water on my head last night. I told him to be careful how he treats me because I have a plethora of brothers and I DO know how to defend myself. (I hit him with a pillow.)
• Derek and Nate tried to feed me a brownie while I was laying on the floor. I began to giggle hysterically. Silly boys.
• Someone wouldn't listen to me so I had to tell someone else my info and ask him to pass the info on to the other person. It's annoying to have to do things like that. Part of me wants to quit, which I expressed to the person who has to pass the message on, and I explained that the other person has made it pretty clear that he sees me as a person he can help and he doesn't want anything to do with me aside from that. I'm sick of being everyone's project. I just want someone to like me because they want to.
• I told Z that I was going home for Spring Break. He said, "You're not going to Big Break again?" He seemed a little disappointed when I told him I have no money. That was nice.
• Kris told me that I should ask the HK to go to the Valentine's Day Dinner at the Religious Center with me. Crap. Why does EVERYONE think I like him?? Seriously -- he'd never go with me. He has class at that time. (Sad that I know his class schedule. But I s'pose -- when he's just got one class and it's on Tuesday nights, it's pretty easy to remember.)
• I had this strange feeling that I needed to go to the computer lab this evening. I was going to go to the closest one, but something told me to pass it up and head over to the one further away. I walked in and the HK looked up from his computer and waved. After I finished what I was there for, I went over to ask him if I could talk with him sometime about the new Christian organization I'm working with and he said, "Yeah, definitely. But can we do that next week? I have this presentation tomorrow and basketball Friday and Saturday." I said, "Sure. Let me know what works for you -- I don't want to take away from your valuable studying time." He smiled. Dude. I made the HK smile. *Sigh* Life is a happy place. He has gorgeous eyes. *Sigh* YOU CAN'T LIKE HIM ANYMORE!
• My little cousins are getting married. They're 2 years younger than me and they're getting married. I feel SO old.... I want to break the family tradition. Most of the women (even ones marrying into the family) didn't get married until they were close to 30 and some even in their 40s. I want to be married before I'm 25. But yeah. That's not very likely. I only have 1 year and 3 months and 2 days....

I'm experiencing cognitive dissonance. I hate cognitive dissonance. I wish I hadn't told Glen about being the other person's "project." I wish I had the guts to confront him on my own. It's not that it really matters how he sees me, but sometimes it makes me sad because he's all happy toward other people and he ignores me. It makes me feel like crap because I hate having conditions of worth -- I'm good enough as I am. I shouldn't have to live up to other people's standards in order to be accepted.

And then there's Derek. And Nate. And Z. And the HK. Derek isn't a problem. That's happy. I like having guy friends that aren't problems. Z's not much of a problem. 'Cept that when Dr. Thompson told us in class that curls were considered a secondary sexual characteristic, he stared at me intently and raised an eyebrow, which made me turn red. It was slightly uncomfortable. I love Z.... He totally makes me laugh in class ALL the time. He makes life a happy place.

Nate. And the HK. :-/ I love those guys. I adore them. And I need to stop. It's a distraction. STOP GIRL! I want Nate in my life forever. He's awesome. Totally. Lol -- he wears camo pants and has totally cute hair and he looks good with facial hair. AND he plays guitar and sings pretty. I should ask him if he's good at math. Lol Anyway, I don't know what my deal is. I don't think I like him like that, but I DO want to be gooder friends with him, but I feel that I can't because if I do, I WILL start to like him in the wrong way, and regardless of how I feel about the issue, everyone is going to assume that I like him like that, and I really don't like interpersonal relationships between men and women. They're too difficult. And the HK has been really weird toward me lately -- he's suddenly extremely friendly and I don't know what to make of it. I don't want him to like me because he and I are not meant to be together. I spose I should just not worry because he probably doesn't feel that way anyway. Part of me wants to be significant to him and really LIKES how sweet he's been. The other part is sad because it knows that nothing will ever come of it.

I had funny dreams last night. Not funny as in "ha, ha," but funny as in distrubing. My brother wouldn't let me take a shower in the dream. He asked me why I thought I needed to. I said, "For the same reason YOU take a shower every day -- I'll smell if I don't." He said, "No, you won't. You can't take a shower." And there was a dead person. And I got lost in a parking ramp in Fargo and Ruthie and Heidi were with me and they knew how to get out better than I did, even though I had lived there forever.
~MJ