Sometimes it's hard to be a woman
I'm not going to start quoting the song. I'm not here to whine about how hard it is to be faithful to just one man. That's baloney. Especially considering that I haven't even got ONE man to be faithful too.... (I'm not here to whine about that, either.)
I just threw away about a ream and a half of paper. Not cuz I wanted to just throw paper away. It was crap. Greeting cards from people who no longer speak to me. Stuff I used to hang on my walls. As I was going through this stuff, I came across stuff that I had written. I read some of it. It was good. I wrote a poem about a week before I moved home after my sophomore year. It almost made me cry. Some of the lines were amazing. It was something that I can't throw away.
It's going to be rough for me to be a writer. Writers keep everything. I can't stand keeping stuff. I'll keep the good stuff, but man. I honestly can't handle having so much crap hanging around. And having to move so often, I just want to get rid of crap so I don't have to move so much stuff all the time. It honestly felt good to throw it all away. I'm going to go through my clothes before I move and get rid of the stuff I don't wear.
I was thinking. I should really stop doing that. I had told Nate that I was willing to be friends with him. But now I don't want to anymore. It's fairly significant that I've decided that because Nate's a nice boy and he didn't do anything to make me not like him. I just want to drop him. And I didn't know why. I thought. I thought some more. And I realized its a gender thing. Nate's a boy. I'm a girl. I was always treated as if I was less than my siblings simply because I am a girl. I was told I was the smartest of all of us, but I got the most negative treatment too. I had to act like nothing hurt me. I had to try to not be a woman. It was clear that the boys were the favored ones and I was just a piece of.... I don't know.... crap. Then I became a woman. I was 12. And no one knew. I had to hide it as if it was something to be ashamed of. I barely dared tell even my mom. My brothers had no idea -- and I'm sure they didn't have a clue until they had girlfriends and now wives. The younger ones are probably still blissfully unaware. It didn't matter because I generally hid in my room, all depressed-like; no one knew the difference anyway. My problem is that no matter how one looks at it, it's a sexual thing. Not in the sense that it has anything to do with sexual practices, but in the sense that girls deal with it and boys don't. My brothers, for some reason unknown to myself, turned out decent. They shouldn't have. They could be bastards and it would make sense. But they're not like that. They're so sensitive to women. My issue with Nate is that I'm a girl. And he's a boy. And he's not my brother and he's not anything LIKE my brothers. (He's sweet, but not anything like my boys....) No matter how you look at this thing, I'm a girl and that's a problem. Not in the sense that I want to be anything different, but in the sense that I'm a woman. And woman things happen to me. Sometimes it's hard to be a woman.
~MJ
I just threw away about a ream and a half of paper. Not cuz I wanted to just throw paper away. It was crap. Greeting cards from people who no longer speak to me. Stuff I used to hang on my walls. As I was going through this stuff, I came across stuff that I had written. I read some of it. It was good. I wrote a poem about a week before I moved home after my sophomore year. It almost made me cry. Some of the lines were amazing. It was something that I can't throw away.
It's going to be rough for me to be a writer. Writers keep everything. I can't stand keeping stuff. I'll keep the good stuff, but man. I honestly can't handle having so much crap hanging around. And having to move so often, I just want to get rid of crap so I don't have to move so much stuff all the time. It honestly felt good to throw it all away. I'm going to go through my clothes before I move and get rid of the stuff I don't wear.
I was thinking. I should really stop doing that. I had told Nate that I was willing to be friends with him. But now I don't want to anymore. It's fairly significant that I've decided that because Nate's a nice boy and he didn't do anything to make me not like him. I just want to drop him. And I didn't know why. I thought. I thought some more. And I realized its a gender thing. Nate's a boy. I'm a girl. I was always treated as if I was less than my siblings simply because I am a girl. I was told I was the smartest of all of us, but I got the most negative treatment too. I had to act like nothing hurt me. I had to try to not be a woman. It was clear that the boys were the favored ones and I was just a piece of.... I don't know.... crap. Then I became a woman. I was 12. And no one knew. I had to hide it as if it was something to be ashamed of. I barely dared tell even my mom. My brothers had no idea -- and I'm sure they didn't have a clue until they had girlfriends and now wives. The younger ones are probably still blissfully unaware. It didn't matter because I generally hid in my room, all depressed-like; no one knew the difference anyway. My problem is that no matter how one looks at it, it's a sexual thing. Not in the sense that it has anything to do with sexual practices, but in the sense that girls deal with it and boys don't. My brothers, for some reason unknown to myself, turned out decent. They shouldn't have. They could be bastards and it would make sense. But they're not like that. They're so sensitive to women. My issue with Nate is that I'm a girl. And he's a boy. And he's not my brother and he's not anything LIKE my brothers. (He's sweet, but not anything like my boys....) No matter how you look at this thing, I'm a girl and that's a problem. Not in the sense that I want to be anything different, but in the sense that I'm a woman. And woman things happen to me. Sometimes it's hard to be a woman.
~MJ
posted by Mari Kate @ 1:15 AM
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