I which I have a nightmare about my choir gig
We were scheduled to sing for the writer's festival this afternoon. I had nightmares about it -- in the dream, I was 5 minutes late for performance time, which meant that I missed the warm-up/rehearsal completely. And I was coughing my lungs out and I couldn't sing and it was terrible! But it DID go very well. It was beautiful. :-) I was on time and I wasn't sick. Yay!
Now I'm confused. Kelly tells me to give up on Cru, but I have this feeling that what she says isn't the best advice for this situation. Just giving up on them doesn't seem like a very Christ-like thing to do, especially when those who DO try try very hard and they put a lot of time and effort into it. And I haven't been this depressed in ages. I hate myself . . . I haven't felt like this since February -- before I got to know the nice people there. I went into Commons on Thursday night and Beich was in there playing his guitar. I was about to leave and he said, "Wait -- I wrote a song for you!" And he played and sang it and I began to giggle and I had to leave because although it was really funny, it made me so sad . . . I love Beich so much . . . He's the sweetest guy ever. I miss having him for a neighbor . . . We lived in the same building at school last year; I on second floor and he on fourth, and during the summer, we lived in 413; I with Shannon on first floor and he in the Andys' apartment on second. During the summer, he would come down and watch movies and sports with me and Shannon and Sara and Lindsay (depending on which week it was -- it was a crazy roomie summer . . .), and one time, he and Shannon wrote a song about herpes that I did research for. (Lol -- we wanted it to be accurate!) I feel that if I leave Cru right now for the reasons that Kelly says I should leave, it would be allowing a spirit of rejection to take over my life . . . I mean, basically, she's telling me that I should leave simply because I feel that people don't want me there. It's allowing rejection to have free reign in my life. It's allowing that part of my life (the feelings of rejection) to dictate what I do every day. It's not going to help anything to just give in to those feelings. It would only make me feel better if I had a pity party and internalized everything and made it way bigger than it should be. I'd feel better only if I allowed myself to have a pity party, and I'm not allowing myself to have a pity party -- no tears, no name-calling, no casting blame on anyone -- and I feel like crap right now. I won't let myself feel sorry for myself in the situation but the whole thing is eating me up whether I feel sorry for myself or not. Part of me wants to go tell everyone there how much I love them. The other part tells me it's a waste of time and any feelings expressed won't be reciprocated so why put the effort into letting them know they're loved? I wish I could be in Florida right now . . . Partially because Florida was one of the most amazing weeks of my life (I think the only one that was more amazing was when we went to Wisconsin) -- but mostly because the hurricane down there would be awesome to experience. I spose I shouldn't say Wilma is the SPECIFIC hurricane I want to experience. I could do with a less fierce one. But I feel like a hurricane is going on inside me and it would be so cool to see what a real meteorological hurricane would be like.
Speaking of hurricanes, I watched the first 10 minutes of the news last night and I learned that when they run out of letters when naming hurricanes, they automatically start using the Greek alphabet instead of names. There is one brewing out there somewhere called "Alpha" -- this is the first time they've ever had to go to the Greek alphabet. Interesting, yes? Alpha, Beta, Charlie, Delta, Epsilon? . . . Crap -- that's the military one . . . Alpha, Beta, Delta, Gamma . . . hm . . . Omega? Epsilon? And Sigma and Mu -- Sigma and Mu are my favorite cuz I know that Mu is mean and Sigma is standard deviation. Yay! I've just entered my math groove again. Woohoo! And Alpha is significant but I don't remember why. Haven't worked with it much yet. I used to know the whole alphabet that they use in the military but I only remember Alpha, Beta, Charlie, Delta, and Gamma now -- and perhaps Epsilon. Not sure about that one . . . What's F? Fargo?? Farmer? Flamingo? Forty? Someone help me out!! (KB, you know I mean you . . .)
Apparently, my family caught a rat in my bedroom at home. Ew. But doable. My oldest brother once got a fake mouse and left it upstairs and when my youngest brother saw it, he freaked out and screamed and I was standing there and he was going "Mari! A MOUSE! There's a MOUSE!" and he screamed and I was like, "Timmy! I don't see a mouse! What's wrong with you??" And he kept carrying on about there being a mouse and finally, I saw it and it was just sitting there and I said, "Timmy, I think it's dead. It's not going anywhere . . ." and then I found out that it was fake and I laughed really hard. It was great. Timmy tends to freak out when he sees bugs and I'm like, "TIM! It's just a spider!" But to make him feel better, I squash it. It's sad that I have to wear the pants in my family . . . I'm the most manly kid in the family -- and all four of my siblings are male. How does that work out?
I'm hungry. I want to go home.
~MK
Now I'm confused. Kelly tells me to give up on Cru, but I have this feeling that what she says isn't the best advice for this situation. Just giving up on them doesn't seem like a very Christ-like thing to do, especially when those who DO try try very hard and they put a lot of time and effort into it. And I haven't been this depressed in ages. I hate myself . . . I haven't felt like this since February -- before I got to know the nice people there. I went into Commons on Thursday night and Beich was in there playing his guitar. I was about to leave and he said, "Wait -- I wrote a song for you!" And he played and sang it and I began to giggle and I had to leave because although it was really funny, it made me so sad . . . I love Beich so much . . . He's the sweetest guy ever. I miss having him for a neighbor . . . We lived in the same building at school last year; I on second floor and he on fourth, and during the summer, we lived in 413; I with Shannon on first floor and he in the Andys' apartment on second. During the summer, he would come down and watch movies and sports with me and Shannon and Sara and Lindsay (depending on which week it was -- it was a crazy roomie summer . . .), and one time, he and Shannon wrote a song about herpes that I did research for. (Lol -- we wanted it to be accurate!) I feel that if I leave Cru right now for the reasons that Kelly says I should leave, it would be allowing a spirit of rejection to take over my life . . . I mean, basically, she's telling me that I should leave simply because I feel that people don't want me there. It's allowing rejection to have free reign in my life. It's allowing that part of my life (the feelings of rejection) to dictate what I do every day. It's not going to help anything to just give in to those feelings. It would only make me feel better if I had a pity party and internalized everything and made it way bigger than it should be. I'd feel better only if I allowed myself to have a pity party, and I'm not allowing myself to have a pity party -- no tears, no name-calling, no casting blame on anyone -- and I feel like crap right now. I won't let myself feel sorry for myself in the situation but the whole thing is eating me up whether I feel sorry for myself or not. Part of me wants to go tell everyone there how much I love them. The other part tells me it's a waste of time and any feelings expressed won't be reciprocated so why put the effort into letting them know they're loved? I wish I could be in Florida right now . . . Partially because Florida was one of the most amazing weeks of my life (I think the only one that was more amazing was when we went to Wisconsin) -- but mostly because the hurricane down there would be awesome to experience. I spose I shouldn't say Wilma is the SPECIFIC hurricane I want to experience. I could do with a less fierce one. But I feel like a hurricane is going on inside me and it would be so cool to see what a real meteorological hurricane would be like.
Speaking of hurricanes, I watched the first 10 minutes of the news last night and I learned that when they run out of letters when naming hurricanes, they automatically start using the Greek alphabet instead of names. There is one brewing out there somewhere called "Alpha" -- this is the first time they've ever had to go to the Greek alphabet. Interesting, yes? Alpha, Beta, Charlie, Delta, Epsilon? . . . Crap -- that's the military one . . . Alpha, Beta, Delta, Gamma . . . hm . . . Omega? Epsilon? And Sigma and Mu -- Sigma and Mu are my favorite cuz I know that Mu is mean and Sigma is standard deviation. Yay! I've just entered my math groove again. Woohoo! And Alpha is significant but I don't remember why. Haven't worked with it much yet. I used to know the whole alphabet that they use in the military but I only remember Alpha, Beta, Charlie, Delta, and Gamma now -- and perhaps Epsilon. Not sure about that one . . . What's F? Fargo?? Farmer? Flamingo? Forty? Someone help me out!! (KB, you know I mean you . . .)
Apparently, my family caught a rat in my bedroom at home. Ew. But doable. My oldest brother once got a fake mouse and left it upstairs and when my youngest brother saw it, he freaked out and screamed and I was standing there and he was going "Mari! A MOUSE! There's a MOUSE!" and he screamed and I was like, "Timmy! I don't see a mouse! What's wrong with you??" And he kept carrying on about there being a mouse and finally, I saw it and it was just sitting there and I said, "Timmy, I think it's dead. It's not going anywhere . . ." and then I found out that it was fake and I laughed really hard. It was great. Timmy tends to freak out when he sees bugs and I'm like, "TIM! It's just a spider!" But to make him feel better, I squash it. It's sad that I have to wear the pants in my family . . . I'm the most manly kid in the family -- and all four of my siblings are male. How does that work out?
I'm hungry. I want to go home.
~MK
posted by Mari Kate @ 4:54 PM
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