Rant

So, I'm freaking sick of feeling like I have to be someone I'm not. Really. Seriously.

I could freaking scream. I want to hate the world.

It really bothers me. My family isn't doing Christmas gifts. It wasn't a consensus. My grandma decided that she didn't want to be bothered, even with money gifts. My parents have been there for like 5 years now. I honestly wouldn't have cared if they had said "Hey, is this ok? What do you think about this?" But they wrote a check out and later, they said, "Oh, by the way -- I gave your Christmas gift to a church in another country so they can have a roof." It's really nice that they get a roof. But how is that going to get my freaking laundry washed and my freaking gas tank full and how are my freaking textbooks going to be paid for? Why are these people that we have absolutely no connection to so special that the rest of us have to sit and wonder how the bills will be paid so they can have their freaking roof?

So yeah. Whatever. They can have their stupid roof. I don't care. I just feel like surely I must be unlovable indeed if my needs are this trivial. I know it's going to be taken care of somehow. I know that -- I truly believe that I will be in want of nothing. It has nothing to do with that. I just feel so... disposable.

I kind of feel like just sitting at home. I don't want to be bothered. Why put myself through the garbage when I'm not appreciated anyway? Why?

If I get another freaking book about how I'm going to hell because I happen to be alive, I swear I'm going to start a bonfire in the backyard. I'm freaking sick of books about being doomed to hell. I've never read a single one of them and I never will.

If they want this to work, they need to say no one can bring ANY gifts and they need to have some activity to take the place of the stupid Tree Time. Because yeah. Everyone is going to get a bazillion gifts -- except for Timmy and me. I've been there before, and it hurts. So much. I almost killed myself over it. Not cuz I needed or wanted stuff, but because I felt like everyone hated me. I know. I'm just not even going to be there. When everyone else does their stupid thing, I'm walking out. Go for a walk for a half hour. Yeah. I like that idea.
~MJ

Speaking in Tongues

Tonight I was talking with M. from Cru about his organization and my organization. We got on the topic of the Gifts of the Spirit and speaking in tongues and stuff. I was intrigued. But mostly, I was bored.

It was almost like "Confessions of a Cru Leader." "Gosh, I've been naughty. I speak in tongues." I kind of felt like he was pulling off a mask and allowing me to see who he really was. And it was kind of shameful. "Gosh.... Cru doesn't condone this sort of behavior -- but I get away with it because I never talk about it -- and I'm the Bruminator. I get away with things." Ok, so not really. But it was really kind of amusing. I almost laughed.

He seemed to be tickled pink that he could talk about this with me and I didn't laugh at him or make fun of him or tell him that it's wrong. Gosh.... Lots of people speak in tongues. Like, everybody in the Bible did it -- well, after the second chapter of Acts, anyway -- so what's the big deal? Just because the average church freaks if they hear some other language coming out of someone's mouth doesn't mean I'm like them. Nor does it mean that everyone else is either.

If I understand right, the whole speaking in tongues thing comes about when there's like an outpouring of the Holy Spirit. And the Bible says that in the last days, the Holy Spirit will come and old men will have visions and young men will dream dreams and that sort of thing. That probably means speaking in tongues too. We've been in "the last days" since the days of John on the Island dreaming dreams of apocalypse and the end of the age. Why the freak can't people speak in tongues if they so desire? This shouldn't be taboo. For serious.
~M