I stole this from Tiffany . . . (I hope you don't mind dear.)

8 Firsts...
First Best Friend:Kyrie Beth
First Kiss: TBD
First Screen Name: homeschoolgirl01
First Pet: a fish named Job because he experienced many trials and tribulations but he didn't curse God and die.
First Piercing: Do you honestly expect me to remember if it was my right ear or my left ear? Come now -- this was in excess of 10 years ago . . . I think it was the right one though. Funny how they always do the right one first . . . (Do they want people to think that we're . . . not straight . . . if we decide that it hurts too much to get the other one done?)
First Crush: I'm not going to tell, but I WILL say it wasn't until I was nearly 23 . . .
First Music: You mean like making music in front of people? Probably my voice recital which freaked me out and I forgot the words I was supposed to sing and it was a disaster -- but I lived and now I'm not afraid to sing in front of people at all. Oh -- and this happened in December, 2004.
First Car: First car that I drove was a 1972 Ford Maverick with stickshift, no padding on the seats, no air conditioning and the windows wouldn't open. First car that I drove all the time was a 1980 Impala that I liked to call the banana boat because it was yellow and roughly the size of an aircraft carrier. Then, I got my car -- a 1999 Saturn -- and the world was a much better place to live.

7 Lasts...
Last Cigarette: Ew!
Last alcoholic beverage: TBD -- haven't had one.
Last Car Ride: To and from Shopko.
Last Movie Seen: "The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants"
Last Phone Call: Timmy
Last CD Played: Chris Tomlin
Last thing you ate: A vitamin (I can't get sick! I have 13 hours of rehearsal this week and a concert and another rehearsal next week!)

6 Have You Evers...
Have You Ever Dated One Of Your Best Friends: Nope
Have You Ever Broken the Law: Wouldn't you like to know . . . (Come now -- do you expect anyone to own up to this?)
Have You Ever Skinny Dipped: Nope
Have You Ever Been on TV: Yup
Have You Ever Kissed someone of the same sex: Not unless babies count
Have You Ever Made Out with a Complete Stranger: Nope

5 Things....
5 Things You're Wearing: Flip-flops, watch, glasses, nail polish, sweater
5 Things You've Done Today: Got out of bed, washed my hair, shaved my legs, put gel in my hair and got dressed
5 Things You Can't Live Without: Jesus, oxygen, nutrients (including water), warmth (including love and acceptance) and music (including laughter)
5 Places You've Been: Florida, Philly, Oklahoma, Canada and Wisconsin

4 People You Don't Want to Live Without: Jesus, Beich, Andy W., and Scoop
4 Favorite Foods: Chicken, veggies, chocolate, and HOTDISH
4 Things You Regret: Not telling Laura where to go when she was bullying me, being friends with the people I used to consider my friends, not getting to know other people sooner (specifically my Florida and Wisconsin trip-mates), and not getting to know people at church sooner. Basically, I regret everything related to and as a result of Laura Nordaas.
4 Places You Would Like to Visit: Ireland, Australia, Hawaii, and Alaska

3 People You Can Tell *Almost* Anything To...
1. Kyrie Beth (from home)
2. Nikki-K (from school)
3. Ruthie (from church)

2 Choices...
1. Black or White: White is the color of innocence
2. Hot or Cold: cold

1 Thing You Want to Do Before you die.
1. Help make someone's life better

I which I have a nightmare about my choir gig

We were scheduled to sing for the writer's festival this afternoon. I had nightmares about it -- in the dream, I was 5 minutes late for performance time, which meant that I missed the warm-up/rehearsal completely. And I was coughing my lungs out and I couldn't sing and it was terrible! But it DID go very well. It was beautiful. :-) I was on time and I wasn't sick. Yay!

Now I'm confused. Kelly tells me to give up on Cru, but I have this feeling that what she says isn't the best advice for this situation. Just giving up on them doesn't seem like a very Christ-like thing to do, especially when those who DO try try very hard and they put a lot of time and effort into it. And I haven't been this depressed in ages. I hate myself . . . I haven't felt like this since February -- before I got to know the nice people there. I went into Commons on Thursday night and Beich was in there playing his guitar. I was about to leave and he said, "Wait -- I wrote a song for you!" And he played and sang it and I began to giggle and I had to leave because although it was really funny, it made me so sad . . . I love Beich so much . . . He's the sweetest guy ever. I miss having him for a neighbor . . . We lived in the same building at school last year; I on second floor and he on fourth, and during the summer, we lived in 413; I with Shannon on first floor and he in the Andys' apartment on second. During the summer, he would come down and watch movies and sports with me and Shannon and Sara and Lindsay (depending on which week it was -- it was a crazy roomie summer . . .), and one time, he and Shannon wrote a song about herpes that I did research for. (Lol -- we wanted it to be accurate!) I feel that if I leave Cru right now for the reasons that Kelly says I should leave, it would be allowing a spirit of rejection to take over my life . . . I mean, basically, she's telling me that I should leave simply because I feel that people don't want me there. It's allowing rejection to have free reign in my life. It's allowing that part of my life (the feelings of rejection) to dictate what I do every day. It's not going to help anything to just give in to those feelings. It would only make me feel better if I had a pity party and internalized everything and made it way bigger than it should be. I'd feel better only if I allowed myself to have a pity party, and I'm not allowing myself to have a pity party -- no tears, no name-calling, no casting blame on anyone -- and I feel like crap right now. I won't let myself feel sorry for myself in the situation but the whole thing is eating me up whether I feel sorry for myself or not. Part of me wants to go tell everyone there how much I love them. The other part tells me it's a waste of time and any feelings expressed won't be reciprocated so why put the effort into letting them know they're loved? I wish I could be in Florida right now . . . Partially because Florida was one of the most amazing weeks of my life (I think the only one that was more amazing was when we went to Wisconsin) -- but mostly because the hurricane down there would be awesome to experience. I spose I shouldn't say Wilma is the SPECIFIC hurricane I want to experience. I could do with a less fierce one. But I feel like a hurricane is going on inside me and it would be so cool to see what a real meteorological hurricane would be like.

Speaking of hurricanes, I watched the first 10 minutes of the news last night and I learned that when they run out of letters when naming hurricanes, they automatically start using the Greek alphabet instead of names. There is one brewing out there somewhere called "Alpha" -- this is the first time they've ever had to go to the Greek alphabet. Interesting, yes? Alpha, Beta, Charlie, Delta, Epsilon? . . . Crap -- that's the military one . . . Alpha, Beta, Delta, Gamma . . . hm . . . Omega? Epsilon? And Sigma and Mu -- Sigma and Mu are my favorite cuz I know that Mu is mean and Sigma is standard deviation. Yay! I've just entered my math groove again. Woohoo! And Alpha is significant but I don't remember why. Haven't worked with it much yet. I used to know the whole alphabet that they use in the military but I only remember Alpha, Beta, Charlie, Delta, and Gamma now -- and perhaps Epsilon. Not sure about that one . . . What's F? Fargo?? Farmer? Flamingo? Forty? Someone help me out!! (KB, you know I mean you . . .)

Apparently, my family caught a rat in my bedroom at home. Ew. But doable. My oldest brother once got a fake mouse and left it upstairs and when my youngest brother saw it, he freaked out and screamed and I was standing there and he was going "Mari! A MOUSE! There's a MOUSE!" and he screamed and I was like, "Timmy! I don't see a mouse! What's wrong with you??" And he kept carrying on about there being a mouse and finally, I saw it and it was just sitting there and I said, "Timmy, I think it's dead. It's not going anywhere . . ." and then I found out that it was fake and I laughed really hard. It was great. Timmy tends to freak out when he sees bugs and I'm like, "TIM! It's just a spider!" But to make him feel better, I squash it. It's sad that I have to wear the pants in my family . . . I'm the most manly kid in the family -- and all four of my siblings are male. How does that work out?

I'm hungry. I want to go home.
~MK

In which . . . GIRLS' NIGHT

As Nikki-K put it (I hope you don't mind my quoting you . . .), "Girls' Nights are a fun and necessary way to maintain a healthy and wellbalanced psyche...or just a good reason to eat chocolate and talk about boys!"

I just had a wonderful evening with Nikki-K and Ashley . . . We watched a movie (more about that later) and then we went to Perkins for pie and we serenaded Melissa on her date. Grand fun . . . We talked about babies. It was . . . interesting. Melissa seemed to think Nikki and I were insane because we want bunches of babies. But babies are fun . . . Speaking of babies, Michael's wife just had a baby . . . we knew it was going to be a boy but Michael wouldn't tell us what they were going to name him until he was born. About a month ago, I told Scott that I thought it was going to be Kyle. Last week Shelly said, "You know, I think Michael is going to name his baby Kyle." When I went into the office today, there was a sign on his door that said, "Welcome Kyle Joseph" on it. Eeek! I saw his picture online and he's a cutie -- in a masculine . . . as-macho-as-a-newborn-infant-can-get sorta way. AND I know the baby just under Kyle on the website, too! She belongs to my pastor's daughter . . . I haven't met her (the baby) yet, but she's a cutie.

I was at dinner with Tara and she asked a guy to join us. Then, three other guys came too. I knew Justin, but none of the others, and Tara knew Mark. After a while, the guys began discussing . . . the . . . effectiveness (??) of male genitalia and Tara and I were like, "Man . . . this is not sweet." I said (really loud), "If the Vikings were to leave Minnesota, I'd have to cheer for the Lakers." The guys stopped mid-sentence and Justin said, "That's the f***ing stupidest thing I think I've ever heard . . . you do realize that the Vikings are football and the Lakers are basketball, right?" Lol -- I accomplished my goal . . .

Other good quotes from the day:
"I think I'm going insane. Justin just elbowed my patella."
"I'm going to take a hot shower and get all cozy and warm and then go to bed. We should all do it. Together. Only in separate showers."
"I think you and my brother would enjoy each other a lot."
"My brother has a bachelor name."
"You rock my socks off -- but not my pants."

We were watching "The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants" tonight. Good movie. I had a revelation while watching it. No matter what I do, something always reminds me of Andy. I begin to think I've gotten over him (and I think I have, mostly), but then someone will say something like "Subway toasted subs" or "Corndogs" or "purple orange" and I'll think of him. I was singing the corndog song today . . . Shucks. So, my revelation was that yeah -- it's not HIM, it's the memories. He was eating dinner at the same time as me and I didn't realize it until he got up to leave. He got up and I watched him walk away and I thought to myself, "Goodbye Andy . . ." I don't know if I'll ever speak to him again -- not that I don't want to. I most certainly would love to. It's just very unlikely. He doesn't know it, but he played a huge part in giving me the most amazing 6 months of my life. It's sad that it's probably over. Life goes on -- but it's just not the same.
~MK

In which we ponder the cost of education

You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed. ~Psalm 139:16 (NLT)

Isn't it amazing how God had written out our lives before we even lived one day of it? That's how precious we are to Him. And we can't surprise Him with ANYTHING.

You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book. ~Psalm 56:8 (NLT)

The Psalms are an awesome place to go if you're sad. This verse has always intrigued me. Not only are WE precious to Him, but even our tears are precious enough for Him to collect them in a bottle and write them in a book. It's almost like when a child brings home a test with an A for the first time -- Mommy is so proud she puts it on the refrigerator. Our tears are so much a part of us that our Father collects them when others would throw them away. Awesome man, awesome . . .

So, I got to thinking about these things when I was pondering possibly going home next semester. He knows what I'm going to do and either way, it's going to be ok. My biggest motivator is lack of money . . . I just did a bunch of complex mathematical stunts and figured that I need to make $2433.16 between now and the end of February to break even -- and that's only if I have absolutely NO expenses aside from my cell phone bill, tuition/room and board and books. That's not accounting for food on the weekends, nor for gas for my car to get to and from work/church/holidays. I know I have roughly $750 for sure coming in from Commons and I'd have to work 25 hours a week at Shopko on top of everything to break even with no money left over for food or gas. Doable? Ugh. Why do the people in charge think college students can afford this? I was just looking at my account records from the entire time I've been here, and tuition has gone up $800 per semester from 2002 and R/B has gone up roughly $400 per semester -- that's a total of $2400 more per year than when I first started. (Rough calculation -- not done on paper or with a calculator, that's a total increase of 25%) What do they think we are? Rich? We don't come here because we ARE rich, but because we seek to be financially independent and on our way to BECOMING rich. I think they should have price caps for university level publicly funded education. I mean, seriously now . . . at the tune of $175/credit, with 30 students in each 3 credit class . . . If a professor teaches 4 classes per semester (and a lot of them do -- some of them more), he/she brings in a total of $126,000 for the school. If his salary is $40,000, that leaves $86,000 for the school. If you take that times . . . let's pretend that there are 200 professors . . . that would be a total of 17,200,000 in profits for the school. Plus, all the fees (roughly $850 per student/year times about 5,000 students), that's an increase of $4,250,000. Added together, that is a total of $21,450,000 that the school is taking in. PLUS all the federal aid they get . . . I don't think they really NEED to be as greedy as they are . . . And we haven't even talked about R/B yet . . . They should say that publicly funded universities can not charge more than $4,500 per semester per student in combined tuition, R/B and fees. Yeah. I like the sound of that. I'd still be short, but it would be way more doable. Seriously. And they should have price caps on textbooks. Yeah. Let's not even go there.

I talked to Matt about this situation. He said not to run away. I knew people would tell me that. But it's more than that. It's money. It's home. It's family. It's being able to -- for the first time in my life -- come home from school and say "Mum! Guess what I learned today!" and actually have a mum who wanted to know. It's being able to see my family every day. It's maybe getting to work with my sisters-in-law. It's being in a bigger, more challenging school. It's being able to shop when and where I want for what I want and being able to afford it because I don't have to pay half the cost of my education out of pocket. It's cheaper. It's not living on campus. It's home. Matt said, "you should talk to Bernie about it. See what he says." Yay -- at least I was able to convince him it wasn't JUST about the people here. It is to some extent -- but not because I'm mad at them or anything. I just don't have anything to hold me to this school anymore. There's only one thing that would keep me here -- my church. Even Andy has faded away. It's like in a play. When the scene changes, the lights go off and they turn on in another part of the stage. The lights are turning off in Marshall for me. But they're turning back on at home. What a pretty thought . . .

But I don't want to leave Matt and Kelly and Rob . . . I don't want to leave Joyce and Rick and Bernie and Judy and Glen and Mary. I don't want to leave -- ever! Randy? He can go to Alabama. For serious.
~MK

In which I got an A on my stats test

I think I need to travel more. The boys and I are thinking of making plans to visit New York City possibly. We want to take a train, stay a few days seeing the sights with our cousin who lives there, and then come back on the train. We haven't discussed it with anyone yet, but we think it would be cool. That would add only one state for me (up to 20), but it would add 6 for Dave and Timmy. And at some point before I die, I am GOING to see Georgia. No ifs, buts or ands about it.

I'm so anxious about something. I want to cry. I fell asleep for an hour and a half this afternoon, but I'm still exhausted. I had dreams about Missouri and Alabama. A few weeks ago, I had a dream about going to Florida. I was going to go again and I had sent the money in and everything, and I forgot to ask for it off first. And Andy was going to go too. Kinda weird because I'm probably never going to go to anything like that again unless I transfer. That makes me sad. Very, very sad.

Speaking of transferring . . . I talked to my aunt about it and she told me to pray about it. (I think she doesn't want me to go.) So I was. My friend from Moorhead told me that God speaks to her through her GI system sometimes (trying to be funny -- and she was) and to "go with your gut on this one." I was like, ". . . I spose it might work like that." One could say that all roads lead to Andy in my life. Cuz I was laying there and my stomach started to hurt and it was like someone was saying to me "Talk to Andy before you make a decision." I was like, "Oh, alright." It would be showing mercy and it would make Joyce proud. What an oxy-moron, sorta -- Joyce is the one who has been telling me that if I want to live a productive life, I need to be humble. Anyway, I was so mad at Andy last week that I refused to have anything to do with him anymore. Giving him another chance would be showing mercy. But, but, but . . . why do I need to talk to him? I'm so confused . . . The whole situation made me sad because I thought I'd gotten over him. But now I can't stop thinking about him again. This is not sweet.

I almost cried in stats lab because I had done all the work and then I tried printing it and then I saved it. It printed only my name and then it closed everything and it didn't save it. AGAIN. I have to do it all over again. It made me so mad because this is the second time that's happened to me and my professor tells me every time that I have to do it again if I want credit for it. That is so not fair! But I DID get an A on my stats test which totally rocked. I was so excited when I looked online last night that I had to call my mum and tell her about it. Lol -- it was great. I used to be SO bad at math and I had never gotten better than a C- on a math test until I took the first stats one and I got a C+. This time it was an A!!! Yay! I think my hanging around Andy has paid off -- I think some of his math genius has seeped into me or something . . .
~MK

In which I turn a page

I am seriously thinking of transferring. There's nothing at SMSU for me anymore. I have a total of three friends there so it's not like I'm leaving a lot behind. Of course, I would miss those three immensely, but I really think I would be much happier and probably get better grades if I were somewhere else. This notion occurred to me this afternoon and I was like, "Dude -- that's a sweet idea." I would save loads of money if I transferred to NDSU or MSUM and could live at home. Another reason is because I will probably be really short on money again for next semester and since I'm miserable there and I'm short on money, why not just go somewhere else where it's cheaper?

I don't want to do this simply because of the people at school. Am I? Does it seem like it? Ugh. I'm going to try to get appointments at the schools tomorrow and see how it goes. It's sad how eager I am to leave my school. I just wish I could leave there forever and never go back. I would definitely never tell anyone to go there for any reason. What do you guys think of this idea? I could work at Hornbacher's again if I did . . . and go to a Cru that actually accomplishes things. I know it's way different at both schools because I've met the full-time staff people at both schools and they have a vision for their organizations, unlike at my school. But then I couldn't ever hang out with Rick and that would be sad . . . But I could go to The River and not have to drive 2 hours to go to the Vine. And I could see my family all the time. And it would just be gooder. Yeah.
~MK

In which I experience cognitive dissonance -- again

For all who care, this is my twelve dozenth post. For those who aren't into math (like me), that means it's number 144.

This morning I was walking to lunch after class and I met Scoop in the hall. Scoop said hi. And I thought to myself, "Scoop. Don't say hi." Cuz when people are nice to me, it makes it harder for me to do what I have to do. I am certain though that this is the end. I am not going back. What makes it different this time is I have an explanation and I've never had an explanation before -- and my excuses were never ones that people would buy. This one you can't really argue with. I was talking with my church secretary yesterday about the whole issue and I cried like a baby. I told her all the things that aren't right with the situation and she said, "This is obviously not a positive place for you. You know all these things about this group and they're hurtful to you. You know you would be better off leaving. But it still hurts. Why does it hurt?" Good question. I was thinking about it a lot and I think it's because of the "could bes" and "ifs" of the situation. I know what it could be if people just wanted it to be that way. I know what I could be missing if only the whole point of the group was what it was supposed to be. I know what I could give if only I was given a chance. And I suppose, it has a little to do with my rotten RA my freshman year who did everything in her power to make me leave and now she's finally winning. She doesn't deserve to win. She told me that I would never fit in and I'd never be anything to anyone there and I shouldn't go back and it turned out that she was right. I wish I had never gotten involved with it in the first place.

I had to stay 30 minutes late at work today and I was almost late for choir. Two of the choir board came through my line when I was supposed to leave and I almost asked the president to talk to Jennifer and tell her that if she didn't let me go, he would send a big, scary Norwegian after her. Lol -- that would have been funny. But Jennifer would have made me pay for it later, and I have enough problems with her as it is so I thought better of the idea.
~MK

In which we discuss the woods -- in a way

Enough already. I've decided that I'm not going to go back to Cru except when Rick or Shanda is there. Going there is kinda like a pond. You know how when water just sits there, it gets stagnant. This is getting stagnant for me. Everyone is so shallow that anything that's even a little deeper than the most basic stuff completely frightens them. Therefore, I get absolutely nothing out of it because I could have taught this stuff when I was in the 5th grade and I can't give anything because what I have to give would make it go too deep. So, since there's nothing new coming in and nothing going out, I just sit there and everything gets muddy and it's pointless. One could argue that I could go for the social value of it -- which brings us to the next point. There IS no social value in it for me. With the exception of a select few, no one even talks to me or acknowledges that I exist. It's like someone is wearing "social off" or something. I don't know if I'm the one or what. Maybe I'm to blame -- but I really don't think it's just me. As far as I'm concerned, most of the people do wear a kind of "social off." You know how we use off to make mosquitoes leave us alone? There are some people who are wearing an attitude that completely repells me. Mostly it's their arrogance and unwillingness to be around anyone but their little groupies. I hate it. Yeah. The end.
~MK

In which I am very confused

I'm so sad and confused right now. People keep telling me the opposite of what I think I should do and I'm crying because I just wish something would crack or something because I can't handle the pressure. I knew when I got up this morning that it was going to be a rough day. Just exactly how rough I had no idea. I'm so very confused right now because people have told me to dump Cru which yeah . . . I wouldn't mind doing. I don't THINK I would, anyway. I went tonight and Cammy and Kyle were the only people who talked to me -- everyone else would have avoided me if I hadn't talked to them first. (Not speaking of you, Nikki . . . ) People have pretty much avoided me the entire semester now that I think about it. It hurts a lot. Tonight I was almost in tears when I left and Kelly happened to be at Perkins and I talked to her and the boys came in and not one of the Cru people even said hi to me other than Nikki. Kelly said that they're so not worth my time because they act like they don't even know me. I told her about cognitive dissonance and I told her it was the guy in the middle whose back was facing us. She said, "Forget him. He didn't even acknowledge you." She said that Matthew must think he's God because his shirt said "I AM" God and she said that with one who thinks he's God and one who is going way beyond hard to get, it's just not worth all the emotional energy I'm putting into it. That's too true. But I don't think it's fair to the one in the middle (speaking of the middle of the booth) to completely dump his organization simply because he's not talking to me. It might be kinda like . . . well, me. Cuz if I think someone would be uncomfortable with my talking to them, I don't. I don't know why he's not talking to me and I don't want to make hasty decisions. It kinda fixed in my mind the fact that I need to talk to him. I'm really beginning to wonder if perhaps the phone thing is completely made up and he's just ignoring me and telling me that his phone isn't ringing.

Matt asked me what kind of sheep had to die in order to make my hat. Rob asked if it was a sibling of a smurf and I said, "It's purple, not blue!" Matt said, "Was it Barney's little sister?" Matt also gave me some interesting advice on how to handle the Cru situation. He said I should tell them that "Matthew says that you all are a hemorrhoid on the butt crack of the world." He says they'll think I was referring to God-man and they'll have fun trying to take care of that problem. Matt makes me giggle.
~MK

In which secrets are lies

I'm so sad right now. But I can't say why because it's not supposed to be general information yet. When we were in Florida, someone -- don't remember who it was -- was whispering something to someone else and someone saw this happening and they said "Secrets are lies." If keeping this secret made it a lie, I would gladly keep it forever.

I'm reminded of this song today . . .

I had a dream last night saw heaven open wide
You were right there by the Father's side
Makes me happy realizin' that you're there with Him
Set free from this life of sin
The vain pleasures and lies
I know we all gotta die
There's no question in my mind still wonderin' why
He had to take you so soon when you was so young
Your life ended before it begun . . .

On to some of my own pathetic poetry . . .

Hands in his pockets
Carefree gait
Knapsack slung carelessly

Plain to see he was off for a weekend

But he didn't take much
He must have known
There wouldn't be time to study.

Gone . . . never to return.

I guess this info was on the news and somehow, they figured that no one watches the news and we wouldn't find out until they chose to inform us of it. It seems as if the strategy was effective. I only know because my pastor talked about it in church today. I was thinking . . . my pastor always, always talks about stuff that's happening in the community. I was wondering why. It makes it seem as if we're one of those churches that is preoccupied with social needs. But if you think about it, we're not. We just care. A lot. Man, I feel bad for Ben right now . . . It's not going to be fun trying to tell his boys.
~MK

In which I get caught up

Have you ever had a situation in which you said something, trying to be funny, and ended up wishing you'd never said anything? That's happened quite a lot lately. First incident was regarding the phrase "You rock my pants off." I told one of my friends about how the phrase came into being and she said "I'm going to say that to my guy friends sometime." I was like, "Ok . . . " She did and now EVERYONE is saying it.

Second incident . . . I was at work and this older gentleman and his wife came through. Their total was like $75 and the guy was like, "Man -- that's a lot of money . . . " and tried figuring out where it was all going. He said, "$25 for one pair of shoes . . . $30 for the other . . . ???" Then he realized that he got a watch too, and his wife said, "That makes you feel better, doesn't it?" Then she turned to me and said, "He doesn't shop very often . . ." He said, "I hate shopping." I said "I don't like shopping either. When you shop, you only get more stuff and the more stuff you have the more stuff you have to find a place for and the more stuff you have to pick up and put away and the more stuff you have to dust and launder and repair. And the more stuff you have, the less money you have." The guy turned to his wife and said, "You could learn a lot from her." *I turned red.* She said, "You should have just married someone like her. *I turned redder.* Note to self: Sometimes it's better to not get involved, even when you're just trying to lighten things up a little.

I want to write a poem about dissonance. I am drawn to one thing but repelled by another. It's like there's two magnets and the poles are the same and they repell each other. You know how it is . . . It's like they really WANT to hook up but there's just something about it that's . . . wrong. So they end up pushing away rather than hooking up. In psychological terms, it's called cognitive dissonance. You all know what it feels like to hold two strong magnets that repell each other. That's how I feel right now. Like my brain and my heart and my feelings and emotions are being pulled in opposite directions. It's sad and hard and . . .
~MK

In which I'm sad

I'm getting the impression that in spite of his sweetness, the homecoming king is still a man with plenty of androgens and very muchly visually stimulated. He was really very sweet to me when I was wearing the skank top (Yay! I invented a new term!!!) that was . . . skanky -- at least, as far as I was concerned, it was. If you don't know what I'm talking about, stop now and read Tuesday's post. Today I was wearing a sweater and a jacket that covered everything -- not cuz I didn't feel comfortable showing it -- it was just COLD. I saw him twice but he didn't even acknowledge me. Can't he give me a break? So yeah, I admit that I used to be cold all the time even when it was warm. But then I got over it and I'm only cold now when I have a legitimate reason to be cold -- like when it's windy and only 40 degrees. Days like today. I think wearing a sweater today was legit and acceptable, even to those who are warm all the time . . . Thus, I think the only reason he was nice to me on Monday was because of the skank top.

I went to a motivational speaker tonight. It was a guy -- don't know his name -- who was born without legs. He has the most awesome attitude. He says that everyone has a disability -- it's just that some people's are more obvious than others'. Whatever is a challenge to us is our own personal disability. For the longest time, mine was my past. But I learned to deal with it and function in spite of it. It's still somewhat of a disability (like it's hard for me to get jobs and easy for me to start to feel sorry for myself) but I recognize it and I'm working on it. And I'm trying not to let it get me down. He was SO good. I don't think I've laughed so hard since . . . well, probably since May when Z told me that I should go live with the Amish. (That's only funny because the Amish and I would fight over doctrinal differences and they'd tell me to shut up cuz I'm just a woman and I'd tell them to shut up because I AM a woman and I probably know more about stuff than they ever will.)
~MK

In which my brother won't talk to me

Why is it that when people are mad at each other, I'm the one who suffers the consequences? My younger brother is mad at my parents, my aunt and my older and youngest brother and he won't talk to me anymore because of it. If I call him, he hits the "answer" button but he won't say anything. I didn't do anything . . . He's wallowing in self-pity and he doesn't want to feel any better. That's fine -- that's totally his choice. But it's so sad. He called to whine about overdraft fees and I told him to stop his automatic payments so he'd always know how much money he had. He stopped talking to me. It's like if you won't wallow with him he doesn't want anything to do with you.
~MK

In which we discuss the word "survive"

I wanted to post last night but I had my presentation this morning at 9:00 and I thought I should probably get some sleep instead.

Last night rocked my pants off. (To quote me on my brother's birthday.) Not literally -- I was still fully clothed. I DID still feel like a skank, but that was largely due to my more-revealing-than-normal new tank top. (And my lovely new bra that was the exact same color as my tank top. Yummy. A delicious shade of mulberry.) It did not leave uncovered anything that should be covered, but it was still much more revealing than I'm used to. I was at church last night and I turned to Kelly and I said, "I don't look like a skank, do I? I feel like a skank . . ." She just laughed at me and said, "No, you don't look like a skank." There was an older gentleman sitting on the other side of her and he turned to me and said, "What's a skank?" I turned all red and said, "It's kinda a nicer term for a whore."

Cru was SO fun. It was crazy sports night. We got divided up into teams and we did three games. Guess who was on my team. KLOMP! That boy makes me feel very small. He's like 6'10 or something like that and when I stand next to him I think the top of my head reaches just above his elbow. It's an odd feeling to have someone THAT tall standing by you. I bet you can't guess who else was on my team. Eeek! The King! Yay! It was totally fun. We had what they called "Balloon golf" where you had to blow up a baloon and then let it go and whoever got closest to the target won. We won. *YAY Riippa!* Then we had 4 people sit in a row and 4 more people face them and they had to take a shoe and pass it from one person to the next down the line and back -- with their feet -- and the person who ran to the front with their shoe first won. We got second place (I think) in that one. *YAY Klomp!* The last game was a trivia game. We had to select someone to run to the front with our answers. Klomp won that one for us. We pretty much dominated that one. *Yay Klomp!* Then they did a great skit -- an athletic version of the apostles healing a crippled man. And then Andy talked about giving God the glory and honor when positive things happen in our lives. (Yay -- it was VERY basic, but it was perfect. Our Cru needs milk -- it can't handle meat and potatoes.) Then we went to Perkins and I was sitting in a booth and Andy and 4 other guys came and attempted to sit with me. It doesn't work to have 5 athletes and one girl try to fit into one booth. The girl gets squished. So, we moved over to a table. Andy asked me if I ever wish I could have gone to school instead of being homeschooled and I said, "every day." Then Z, trying to be funny, said, "Do you ever miss it?" Lol -- I said, "I cry every day, wishing I could go back . . ." Then I got serious and I said, "No, really. When I was about 16 I did wish I could have gone to school. But, when I was really young, I was paranoid. People freaked me out. My mom would threaten me with things like 'if you don't cooperate with me then someone is going to find out and they'll come and put you in a public school.' It totally freaked me out. But I survived. It was ok." Andy and Scoop burst into song -- something about being a survivor. I love it when people sing to me . . . It's like . . . music conveys strong emotion and by singing to someone, you're giving a little of that to the person you're singing to. It's totally cool. Then we just hung out and talked and that was fun too. It was SO busy at Perkins last night. Lotsa high school kids fresh out of coronation. When I left, I found that someone had written "Hi MJ! Jesus loves you!" in the dust on my car and I was like, "Dude -- who knows what my car looks like?" Z . . . Scoop . . . Andy . . . Kris . . . Sarah . . . I think it was one of the boys. Made my day. :-)

I was thinking the other day about a song about being a survivor -- different than the one the boys were singing. They started talking about the TV show after they sang. Lol -- they make me giggle.

And I survived my presentation and my test. Yay!

And at dinner tonight, Idriss told me I should be an RA and I said I'd applied like 3 times and I'll never be hired because they "know" stuff about me as a result of my lousy RA my freshman year -- stuff that is very untrue. He said, "You should apply. I'll even be your reference. Having me as your reference would help a LOT. That was such a huge blessing. I love it when people believe in me. Idriss is my hero. :-)
~MK

In which I go shopping

At $3.24 you can't go wrong. I got 4 lacy tank tops today and I was debating if it was appropriate to wear them without something over the top. I was discussing it with KB because I just don't know . . . They don't leave anything uncovered that is normally covered when wearing a tank top. I finally decided that I am going to wear the yellow one on Monday because I have a yellow bra that matches it perfectly and I'm not going to worry about it unless someone says something to me about it being inappropriate.

Three months ago, I would have died before I wore a tank top. But I got some to wear to Sonshine because I knew it was going to be hot and I didn't care anymore -- I just didn't want to die -- and I wore them that week and I LOVED them. They're SO comfortable! Yay! And now I HATE having my arms covered because I am very vain and I love to show off my brachialis muscles. (KB I found it!!!) For those who aren't muscle nerds, that's the one that's between the elbow and the shoulder. (Do NOT confuse them with the deltoids -- that would a travesty!) And I think my face looks much prettier when I have part of my shoulders uncovered -- if I have regular round necklines, it makes my face look too long. Having the shoulders uncovered makes it look more . . . I don't know. I got wider glasses too, which helps. ANYWAY, 3 months ago, I'd never owned a tank top in my life and now I have EIGHT of them and I'm going to get at least one more tomorrow, if not more. That strikes me as very odd -- how can one person become so different in such a short period of time?

Most of my family is at a wedding this weekend. Stacy told me that on the way from the church to the reception, one of the guests had a heart attack and my uncle and someone else did CPR until the ambulance got there. They don't think he's going to live. How sad . . . Wouldn't it be terrible to have someone die on your wedding day?
~MK