Last night I was hanging out with Kelly. We were taking Matt somewhere and I had been sitting in the front seat of Kelly's car when he met us so he was giving me a hard time about my sitting in front when he had to be in the back. I said, "Oh Matt...." and Matt said, "Don't 'oh Matt' me...." and then he said, "Your hat makes your head look like a giant cotton swab. But that's better than mine -- mine looks like a giant turd." Then he said, "Don't get all sulky and cry about it.... but if you do cry, you can dry your tears with your hat." Lol He had to get out for something and when he came back he said, "If you're going to sit up there the least you could do is sit your seat up a little." I said, "Sorry Matt...." He said, "You don't have to sit there like you're pimpin' out. Sit up like a white woman!" Kelly and I almost died laughing. (Matt is normally so serious -- I thought perhaps he might be sick....) Kelly and I were reliving this later in the evening and I told her about once seeing a guy driving a limo who was so fat that he had to have his seat reclined so far that he was almost laying down in the driver's seat. I said, "I never want to be that fat.... Maybe I should go on a diet." Kelly said, "You've lost weight recently." I said, "I have?" She said, "You have, haven't you??" I said, "Not that I'm aware of...." She said, "Matt asked me if I had noticed that you lost weight. I think you have. Don't you?" I said, "Actually, I've been feeling more or less like a cow lately...." Kelly laughed really hard and said, "I think you have." I said, "No, I haven't...." She said, "Yes you have!" I said, "You're serious, aren't you?? I just might have to think about this one...." Hm. I think not being depressed does have a positive side.... I haven't eaten any different than normal, nor have I done anything extra as far as exercise is concerned, but now that she mentions it and now that I think about it, I guess my clothes have been less snug lately. Sweet.

We talked about babies. And pelvises. And botulism. And HPV (and cervical cancer) and art. And muscles and Michaelangelo. And she asked why her eyes watered when she yawned and I said, "Do you want to wipe them on my hat???
~MK

In which I hate finals....

Yay for being done!

I decided in the middle of my stats final that finals suck. That's all there is to it. It took me more than the 2 hours we were allowed to finish it. I was so sad because I had thought it would be a piece of cake because I actually understood the material pretty well and it was open book on top of that -- so one would think it would be an easy A, or a B at the very lowest. Well, the first page was stuff that I could have done had he asked the question in the context that he had taught it -- but no. He asked something that was different and I didn't have the formula, nor did I know how to do it. I did really bad on the first page. The last page was on correlations which he'd only spent less than an hour teaching us and it was bad. Really bad. I almost died. Pages 2-5 were ok though. I met the H.K. in the hall on my way back to my room and he asked how I was and I was like, "I think I just failed my stats final...." and then I thought about it and realized that I was SMILING when I said it. It reminded me of Sonshine when I was really mad at Dave and Tim and I was yelling at them over the phone and when I got off the phone, Kelly said, "You know what I love about you, Mari Jo?" I said, "No, what?" She said, "You smile even when you're really mad." Lol I came back to my room and checked my grades and I figured out that as long as I get at least 60/100 on the final, I'll have a C in the class and that is good enough. That made me a little less stressed out. I think that will probably be my lowest grade this semester as I have a B in Adv. Exp. Psych, a B- in social psych, an A in choir, and probably an A- in Lit. Yay. Not too bad. As long as I get a C in stats, I'll be happy.

The H.K. is totally sweet. I was getting all weird and thinking he was a big loser just like everyone else, but then I decided that I was going to TCX and I had to pay a registration fee online and guess who has no credit card. Yeah. I had to pay it on Monday to avoid the late fee, and I was like, "AHHH! What do I do?" Then I got this idea -- how about I find someone who has a credit card and I would pay them back? So, Andy happened to be standing there and Matthew B. and I asked him if he'd do that for me and he was like, "Yeah -- go for it." So, I got it all taken care of. I can't believe he did that -- it was $50 and that's a ton of money to put on the line. I DID give him a check within 24 hours and a little gift on the side (free movie rental) which made him quite happy. Lol -- that boy makes me smile.

I decided that men are confusing and I don't like them. They read too much into things. I just want more guy friends. If I'm friendly toward a boy, it does NOT mean that I have a crush on him. I just want to be friends. Seriously.... I told him that no, I don't like him like that, and I don't think he believes me. No one else does either. What's a girl to do??
~MK

The Mechanics of Inspiration

I was thinking about the mechanics of inspiration this morning when I was trying to figure out what possessed me to do hands for my wire sculpture in my art class. On Wednesday morning, I got out of my stats lab early and I walked to Art and I was like, "Dude -- I have my wire sculpture today! What am I going to do??" The 8:30 section was still in class so I became very agitated, trying to think of an idea. I began pacing. Then I stopped and leaned against the wall. I paced some more. I was thinking about hands. I thought perhaps I could do my hand. But it seemed to be lacking something. I paced. And then my Life Map experience popped into my mind. My group had consisted of Ann, the Homecoming King (the H.K.), Rick and myself. The H.K. had drawn around his hand and wrote his "Hand of God" times in it and he said that he had thought perhaps his hand would suffice in the situation since God's wasn't available. I had said, "It's made in the image of God, so it works." I stopped. "God's hand! I'll make a sculpture representing God's hand!" But still, it seemed lacking. I paced some more. A heart! Resting in the hand of God! But it goes deeper.... Something was still missing. I stopped. I pondered. Two hands. A heart, resting in the palm of a hand, with another hand cupped over the top to protect it. That was it! Perfect! I ended up using silver wire for the hands and white wire for the heart. Not only does it represent how our hearts are safe in God's hands, but as long as we keep them in His hands, they will remain pure and white.

It's been a rough couple of weeks. But I'm better. I talked to the H.K. about some things. Like how I feel very unwelcome at Cru and no one will talk to me.... I talked to him about something else too, which was extremely awkward. I was very sad for a while after talking to him because I was so very afraid that things would be awkward again. A week following, I had a really bad thing happen between me and this other chick (who I still don't like very much....) which made me really sad. It just added to my already sad state. I was going crazy the next day and instead of taking notes in psych, I wrote random words. (See my previous entry.) I called my buddy Tony on Wednesday night and he told me that no one hated me and I was like, "Really.... that's a new one...." Cuz always, when people don't agree with me on something, they won't be friends with me anymore, and no one will agree with me on the fact that Suzie has some attitude problems. After we got done talking, I bawled like a baby for a half hour. It was like Tony was saying, "We really do want you to be our friend" but I had no idea how to react to that. I've never been in that situation before. Then I decided that I needed to pull myself together because if I didn't, I couldn't go to the basketball game that I had been looking forward to since the beginning of the year. So, *sniff, sniff* I put my jacket on and went to the game. I was sitting all alone and it was ok because I was surrounded by people.... Just before the game was supposed to start, I felt my phone vibrate and it was my summer roomie, Lindsay. She asked me to sit with her, which was totally sweet. That made my day. And we won!

Thursday was rough. I knew I had to go to church. I didn't WANT to go. But I knew I had to. So I went. And it was tragic. Ruthie saw me there after a while and she came over and talked to me and that made me cry again. We went out to talk some more and then Suzie butted in and when I told her what my issue was with her -- at her insistence -- she got all offended and told me I had no right to say that to her and a bunch of other crap that really confused me and made me dislike her more. I had tried really hard to be nice about what I was telling her and not be all "my way's the only way" but I guess I failed -- or else she was really convicted by what I said because sometimes, when someone is convicted of something, the first reaction is "NO! I don't like that!" Things got a bit better after that.

There were two more games last week -- one on Friday and one on Saturday. Friday's game was amazing. Shannon was here and it was great to see her again. And we won. AND. Well, I had been sitting with Shannon and Megan and Scoop and Lindsay, but Scoop and Megan and Lindsay left and I didn't see anything more of them for the rest of the game. Then Shannon got distracted and she left to sit somewhere else. And there I was, all alone with a huge empty space around me. I looked around me and thought to myself, "Gee, this place emptied out really fast when I got here...." I didn't think anything more about it because I've come to expect stuff like that. I kinda sat there for a while and then the ref called a foul on us. The other team was shooting two. I was sitting there all by myself and the H.K. looked up from his position in the line-up and he saw me and smiled and waved at me. I thought to myself, thought I, "What a sweetheart.... Maybe it won't be so awkward after all...." And I felt very special. :-) (And really, what girl wouldn't?)

Then some fairly odd things started happening. Like, every time the H.K. has seen me since then, he's waved or said hi. Honestly, I probably wouldn't think twice about it, except that he's really the only person who seems to appreciate me at all and it means a lot. On Tuesday, I was sitting alone at lunch -- again -- and he saw me and waved while he was waiting in line. Then, Kris came and talked to me about some things and I was just like, "Man.... I don't know what to think now...." He has some issues with Cru and they're a lot like mine and he was telling me about being frustrated with the H.K., and I got really confused. I used to kind of think that he was a jerk, but then I got to know him and found out that he wasn't and now that Kris is telling me stuff, I'm beginning to think that again.... And then the H.K. is still sweet to me and now I don't know what to think. I expressed this to Kris and I told him that I understand that he needs to vent and I want to be a person he feels he can trust enough to do that, and I WILL be willing to listen to him and stuff, but he needs to be careful to not say anything negative about the H.K. (like "he's a jerk") because my mind takes it and runs away with it and I get bitter and that is NOT good. Talking about feelings I can do. But he's gotta filter out the negative. (He was really good about that before, but I really felt that I had to say that.)

So I was sitting there with this view of the H.K. that wasn't exactly positive. I got my sculpture back today and I had it with me at lunch, but I didn't want to take it through the food line with me because it's fragile.... So, I wandered the food service, looking for someone to keep it for me while I got food, and I found the H.K., his little brother and Beich. They said I could leave it with them, and Beich said, "But only if you don't care if we smash it." (I just laughed. That's Beich for ya....) When I got my food, I came back and asked if I could sit there, and Beich said, "No." I was like, "Oh." And I picked up my sculpture and I said, "Oh. Well, I'll just find somewhere else to sit then," and walked away. I was totally being facetious about it -- I wasn't feeling sorry for myself at all. But I was also trying to make a point, too. And they got the point. I don't know what-all happened after I left, but a few minutes later, the H.K. and his little brother were walking out and they waved at me and smiled and I was like, "That is too sweet...." and then Beich walked out and he came over to me and he said, "Mari Jo. I'm sorry. I was totally joking and I feel really bad." I told him it was ok and I didn't walk away because I was sad or felt rejected and he didn't need to feel bad. But now I'm confused.
I heart you all.
~MK