24 more days to be 24: On "24"
I am going to be 24 for only 24 more days. I thought about this this afternoon and one of my favorite songs, "24" by Switchfoot popped into my head.
I've loved this song since the first time I heard it. I'm not a super-huge fan of Switchfoot -- it's not my style -- but when I heard it for the first time, it was perfect.
Maybe 24 was an understatement. I'd had at least 24 oceans overwhelm me. Twenty-four oceans of emotion that I didn't understand. Twenty-four facets of the sky of my reality. I'd failed countless times -- and as many times as I'd failed, I'd tried an equal number of times. Shortly after I turned 24, I hit rock bottom in some areas of my life and some days I just wanted to fade out of the picture. God was showing me that life wasn't what I thought it was and I wasn't who I thought I was. I had at least 24 reasons to admit I was wrong and at least 24 excuses to consider myself right.
There was a turning point shortly after my 24th birthday. I had thought myself invincible. I realized that it was completely possible that I could die or get horribly ill or something, but I didn't think I was going to go through hell-and-a-half trying to find a job and that I would eventually have to move back home for the summer because there were no jobs to be had. Through this experience I've learned that if I want to get through, I have to rely completely on the Holy Spirit to pull me through. I can't do it on my own. I had a lot of people praying for me, and through that summer, I became a different person.
I was expecting to come back to school an emotional wreck last fall because that's what had always happened before. But God met me there. I distinctly remember a few times when I felt like I couldn't handle it anymore, but before I allowed myself to panic or do anything drastic, I locked myself in my room and prayed. It was like God knew the sacrifice I was making (I had given up living with my amazing "pseudo-family" to go home for 7 weeks) and how emotionally trying it was, and he thought, "Hey, this girl is making a sacrifice for me, so I'm going to help her out a little." Whenever I prayed, God met me there and the problems had to step back for a while. I came back to school stronger than I had left.
In saying that I'm not who I thought I was, I am not saying that I have a split personality or multiple personalities or any of those lovely psychological issues that people sometimes have. (Although if you hypnotized me it could get a little interesting....) It isn't an excuse, because God is raising to life the things that have been pushed aside or stifled up until now. I am truly not who I thought I was.
When I realized that I wasn't all that and I hadn't arrived, and allowed God to work in my life and when I began to obey even when it hurt and even when it was agonizingly frightening for me to do so, he started to tear off the layers of garbage that covered my real self.
God began to raise up different things in me. Good things began to show through. The second verse talks about God raising "24 voices." I like to say that the noise inside has become the noise outside. I sing and I do public speaking and I even just talk to people now. A year ago, I never dreamed that some of the things I'm doing now were even possible for me.
Verse 2
And You're raising these twenty four voices
With twenty four hearts
With all of my symphonies
In twenty four parts
But I want to be one today
Centered and true....
And even though all these good things are happening, I still have these 24 different sides of me and they all say something different. I'm not constantly arguing with myself. The flesh usually agrees with itself. The problem arises when there's a conflict between my spirit (the part of me that agrees with God) and my flesh (the part of me that likes me and likes what I like). I have 23 facets of self and another facet that totally digs the notion of pleasing God.
But I don't want to be like that. I want to be one. I want to be in total agreement with myself and with God's spirit, and to do that, I have to realize that I'm not "it." I have to admit that I don't have all the answers and that only God can fix it. I had to become little so that God could become big in my life. In other words, I had to give up my place as supreme ruler of my life and become number two. Or as the song puts it, "I am the second man now."
It's called humility. And gosh.... I totally haven't arrived. I struggle with being humble every day of my life. It is my prayer that as I conclude being 24, I will be able to remember to always ask the Holy Spirit, as the song says "Take me up in arms with You" so he can continue to raise the dead in me and so I will no longer be a jumbled mess. I want total agreement between my spirit and God's Spirit.
God bless you.
Love
MJ
I've loved this song since the first time I heard it. I'm not a super-huge fan of Switchfoot -- it's not my style -- but when I heard it for the first time, it was perfect.
Maybe 24 was an understatement. I'd had at least 24 oceans overwhelm me. Twenty-four oceans of emotion that I didn't understand. Twenty-four facets of the sky of my reality. I'd failed countless times -- and as many times as I'd failed, I'd tried an equal number of times. Shortly after I turned 24, I hit rock bottom in some areas of my life and some days I just wanted to fade out of the picture. God was showing me that life wasn't what I thought it was and I wasn't who I thought I was. I had at least 24 reasons to admit I was wrong and at least 24 excuses to consider myself right.
There was a turning point shortly after my 24th birthday. I had thought myself invincible. I realized that it was completely possible that I could die or get horribly ill or something, but I didn't think I was going to go through hell-and-a-half trying to find a job and that I would eventually have to move back home for the summer because there were no jobs to be had. Through this experience I've learned that if I want to get through, I have to rely completely on the Holy Spirit to pull me through. I can't do it on my own. I had a lot of people praying for me, and through that summer, I became a different person.
I was expecting to come back to school an emotional wreck last fall because that's what had always happened before. But God met me there. I distinctly remember a few times when I felt like I couldn't handle it anymore, but before I allowed myself to panic or do anything drastic, I locked myself in my room and prayed. It was like God knew the sacrifice I was making (I had given up living with my amazing "pseudo-family" to go home for 7 weeks) and how emotionally trying it was, and he thought, "Hey, this girl is making a sacrifice for me, so I'm going to help her out a little." Whenever I prayed, God met me there and the problems had to step back for a while. I came back to school stronger than I had left.
In saying that I'm not who I thought I was, I am not saying that I have a split personality or multiple personalities or any of those lovely psychological issues that people sometimes have. (Although if you hypnotized me it could get a little interesting....) It isn't an excuse, because God is raising to life the things that have been pushed aside or stifled up until now. I am truly not who I thought I was.
When I realized that I wasn't all that and I hadn't arrived, and allowed God to work in my life and when I began to obey even when it hurt and even when it was agonizingly frightening for me to do so, he started to tear off the layers of garbage that covered my real self.
God began to raise up different things in me. Good things began to show through. The second verse talks about God raising "24 voices." I like to say that the noise inside has become the noise outside. I sing and I do public speaking and I even just talk to people now. A year ago, I never dreamed that some of the things I'm doing now were even possible for me.
Verse 2
And You're raising these twenty four voices
With twenty four hearts
With all of my symphonies
In twenty four parts
But I want to be one today
Centered and true....
And even though all these good things are happening, I still have these 24 different sides of me and they all say something different. I'm not constantly arguing with myself. The flesh usually agrees with itself. The problem arises when there's a conflict between my spirit (the part of me that agrees with God) and my flesh (the part of me that likes me and likes what I like). I have 23 facets of self and another facet that totally digs the notion of pleasing God.
But I don't want to be like that. I want to be one. I want to be in total agreement with myself and with God's spirit, and to do that, I have to realize that I'm not "it." I have to admit that I don't have all the answers and that only God can fix it. I had to become little so that God could become big in my life. In other words, I had to give up my place as supreme ruler of my life and become number two. Or as the song puts it, "I am the second man now."
It's called humility. And gosh.... I totally haven't arrived. I struggle with being humble every day of my life. It is my prayer that as I conclude being 24, I will be able to remember to always ask the Holy Spirit, as the song says "Take me up in arms with You" so he can continue to raise the dead in me and so I will no longer be a jumbled mess. I want total agreement between my spirit and God's Spirit.
God bless you.
Love
MJ
posted by Mari Kate @ 12:02 AM
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