I have some pretty rockin' awesome friends. I don't know how to describe them. I just love them to death.

Gloria called me yesterday to tell me that I should come over to their house at 8:30. We were going to have a last-minute worship thing to help prepare us for our first gig. When I got there, people were asking Ruthie why she had invited us, and she said, "I really don't know...." We went through a song we were going to do this morning, and we got done and Nate said, "How was that guys?" He asked Ruthie and Heidi and they said, "It was much better than Tuesday...." He turned to me and said, "How was it MJ?" I said, "it was fine." He was like, "Wait -- hold on. Something is wrong here." That was the last song we practiced last night. We spent the rest of the evening praying together and it was just amazing. I can honestly say that I'm not the same person today that I was yesterday.

I'm so thankful for my friends. They rock my socks off.
~MJ

5 habits/facts

I don't know what Live Journal is, but I thought I'd try this just for kicks.... (This is for you, KB....)

Ground Rules: The 1st player of this "game" starts with the topic "5 weird habits/facts of yourself" and people who get tagged need to write a LiveJournal entry about their 5 habits/facts as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose the next 5 people to be tagged and names. Don't forget to leave a comment that says "You are tagged" in their LiveJournal and tell them to read yours.

1. I whine when I have to sing in the key of Em. Or rather, I whine pretty much any time I'm attempting to sing. Since I can't sing in G, A, B, C, D, or E, I think F must be my key -- but everyone hates F so I've never tried it. (If I have, I was not aware of it....) But in spite of my complaining and not having my optimal key, I rock at it. I give it my all, man, and even if I don't know what I'm doing, the song comes out and it's enormous and raw and totally amazing.

2. Fact: God rocks. I totally can't wait to go to heaven so I can be with Him forever and not have to worry about class and homework and work and everything else. It would be like.... being at church and hanging out with my friends all the time. Rockin' awesome man! God is so amazing. If you've never met Him, you should. If you know Him but don't hang out with Him, try it sometime. He'll rock your socks off.

3. I am the cause of a lot of my issues. I think too much. I procrastinate. I'm not crazy enough about God. I don't pray enough. Instead of taking my problems to God I tend to analyze them and then they become ginormous issues and I get depressed and sad.

4. My family makes me sad sometimes. Why can't we all just forgive each other and let each other be who we are and love each other in spite of it? Why do we have conditions of worth? I'll love you if... I'll love you when.... I don't like you because.... I hate it. I hate it, I hate it, I HATE IT! Lord Jesus, I condemn this spirit of bitterness and unforgiveness. Let it be replaced with unconditional love and forgiveness.

5. I love worshipping with Nate. It's like the Holy Spirit is overflowing and it's amazing. Words cannot describe it -- there's just something there. And it's amazing.

If you're reading this, consider yourself "tagged" -- I honestly doubt I have 5 people who read this thing anyway. I heart you all!!!
~The Wild One

chaos

My little brother tells me that I'm going to be an auntie. I told him he was full of it. He said, "Nuh-uh." I thought to myself, thought I, "Who did you knock up?" But I didn't say that because 15 year olds don't need encouragement in that area....

Knock up. I think that's a peculiar way of putting it. My prof says that like 14 times per class period and it's really funny. She's like, "It's really interesting that he could knock her up in the first place...." Every time she uses that phrase I want to giggle.

Once again, I'm happy for my chocolate. I'm really sad tonight because I went to what could possibly be my last SMSU basketball game. There's two more this season, but I can't go to them and it makes me sad because my boy is graduating. I really need to get over him. This is ridiculous. As I was sitting there tonight, all the things he and I have done together ran through my mind. The Corndog Song. Noticing his eyes. The first story I heard him tell. His telling me that he'd rescue me if I began to drown in the Gulf of Mexico. The Conspiracy against the Girls. Evangelism in LaCrosse. Climbing The Wall with his help at Trek. Winning the Nascar race. Sleeping on his couch. His being embarrassed when his Mum showed Brenda and me pictures and told stories about when he was a little boy. (I'm totally making myself cry right now....) His Mum telling me that if her boys were naughty, to "tell them that you'll tell their Mom if they don't behave" and my telling her, "Or I could just kick their behinds if I needed to." (She totally laughed when I said that.... I love his Mum.) And Buffalo Wild Wings.... Almost falling asleep in the booth while he and Z and Scoop ate 3 dozen wings a piece. Sitting at that Italian (??) restaurant in Florida with a couple of other girls and him and Neimi and defending him when one of the girls accused him of eating an outrageous amount of food. (Man, I've got a plethora of brothers and they all eat pretty much the same as he does....) Walking to the beach in Florida at 4:30 in the morning to watch the sun rise over the Gulf. All the games I've gone to.... His waving at me from the court. Man, I love that boy. And I was trying to figure out why. Dude -- I just had a revelation. He's much like the girls that I get along with the best -- totally spontaneous and he has this wild free spirit. I was thinking earlier today about all the people I get along with really well -- Erin from home, Ruthie, Liz.... The thing they all have in common is that they have wild personalities. They do their thing and if people think they're weird, so what? Andy's just like that. And I would be. I totally would be just like that if it hadn't been repressed. It's beginning to come out more and more every day. I am so getting a cartilagenous piercing and a tattoo. For serious. (Although my wild side is beginning to come out, it's really quite angellic. I'm only getting one cartilagenous piercing and one tattoo. I may get a tiny diamond stud in my nose too, but that's debatable at the moment.) I wrote in one of my posts here a few weeks ago about a dream that I had. The one where my friend gave me a letter and then he touched my hand and walked out of my life forever. The friend was Andy. The whole point of that dream was that people touch our lives. Even though they're eventually going to walk out of our lives, they often touch us in profound ways. Andy has touched my life in ways that he can't even begin to imagine. And for that, I am truly grateful. Even if I never speak to him again, I will never, ever forget him.

I'm finding myself at a loss for words
And the funny thing is it's okay
The last thing I need is to be heard
But to hear what You would say

Word of God speak
Would You pour down like rain
Washing my eyes to see
Your majesty
To be still and know
That You're in this place
Please let me stay and rest
In Your holiness
Word of God speak

I'm finding myself in the midst of You
Beyond the music, beyond the noise
All that I need is to be with You
And in the quiet hear Your voice

Word of God speak
Would You pour down like rain
Washing my eyes to see
Your majesty
To be still and know
That You're in this place
Please let me stay and rest
In Your holiness
Word of God speak

I know, I know. I'm rarely "at a loss for words." Words are my thing. The thing that keeps me sane when I feel like I'm living in an earthquake is Jesus. Tonight was a slight earthquake. I haven't felt this sad/upset in a long time. But it's ok. I'll probably go and pray (and cry....) when I'm done here and everything will be ok. I feel so weird. Part of me is almost mourning this whole basketball thing, but a good-sized chunk of my psyche is totally psyched. Lol -- God is good. There's this song that I really love.... I discovered it this summer when it became clear to me that I'm not who I used to be -- and it's a good thing....

I will love You, Lord always Not just for the things You've done for me
And I will praise You all my days Not just for the change You've made in me
I'll praise you for You are holy, Lord
And I'll lift my hands, but You are worthy of so much more

For You are awesome, God of the Nations,
Lion of Judah, Rock of the Ages, Alpha, Omega
You're worthy of all praise
More than these hands I'll raise
I'll live a life of praise

I will serve You Lord, always for You are my strength
When I am weak I will never be afraid for You are my rock and You protect me
But I'll praise You for You are holy, Lord
And I'll lift my hands, but You are worthy of so much more

For You are awesome, God of the Nations,
Lion of Judah, Rock of the Ages, Alpha, Omega
You're worthy of all praise
More than these hands I'll raise
I'll live a life of praise

The first verse talks about the change that God has made in the person literists like to call the narrator. I heard this song and I was like, "Whoa...." And that was when I really began to realize that I'm not who I used to be. Now.... Well, I am a part of this thing at my church on Monday nights. Seriously, when I first started going, I was like, "Man, this is totally not for me...." Sitting in a room full of addicts? No way! But I got used to it and it helped. After all, the things that I've gone through were things that most people would turn to chemical or other addictions in order to "deal with it." I've gotten better. I used to go there looking for help. But God totally put me on the other side of things. We have discussion/prayer groups after the Bible Study thing. The ladies were all in Bernie's office and I was sitting in Joyce's office chair. There was a woman who was struggling with self-worth and other issues and as she told us what was going on in her life, I could totally relate to her. God gave me a bunch of different verses and illustrations to give her. I started speaking these things. I thought to myself at the time, "Dude -- Joyce's chair must have super powers or something...." cuz I've always been one to listen and NEVER speak up, but suddenly, there I was, practically leading the whole thing. Wow. But in the following weeks, I had the same thing happen, and it definitely wasn't Joyce's chair. Just last week, I was talking to my gal-pal Kelly, and I told her that I'd been feeling as if I should leave the group -- because I totally don't need it for myself anymore; God had completely released me from my NEED for it. She said, "You know...." and she told me that she had noticed all the things that I just wrote about and she said, "I've been a leader there for 3 years and some of the things you've said have helped even me. I don't think you should leave." I thought to myself "Wow -- that's nuts!" She went on to tell me that Joyce had asked her if she had any people in mind for new group leaders, and she had told Joyce that she'd let her know if she thought of anyone. She told me that she went home and began to pray about it (this was an urgent need), and I kept popping into her mind. I said, "No way. That's crazy...." She said, "I haven't asked Joyce about it and maybe I shouldn't have told you yet, but I just wanted you to know that you've helped so many people there and you really need to keep coming." I told her to pray more and if she felt God leading her to suggest it to Joyce, then to do so -- but I told her that I didn't want her to tell me before hand if she decided to ask Joyce. To make a long story longer.... I talked with Kelly last night, and she told me that she had asked Joyce and Joyce was all for it and that if I wanted to take a group, I was welcome to do so. Eeek! It's cool but it's freaky too -- what do I know about addiction? But I guess that God's not going to ask me to do something He's not going to help me do, so I can handle it. Psycho-weird. But amazingly cool.
~MJ

Chocolate rocks

I'm really happy that I have chocolate. If I didn't, I'd have to seriously hurt someone or something. I'm really stressed out.

• Last Monday, Z made me turn really red in class.
• He also seems to think I'm a genius.
• The boys won on Hawaiian night. I wish I hadn't gone.
• Saturday night rocked. Nate is my new "little brother." (Although in many ways, he's much older than me.)
• My pastor told me on Monday that he heard me singing loud and clear on Sunday morning and it was really nice.
• I realized that night that I pretty much AM a genius, no matter how you look at it. This is sad. I said, "Since God IS love, if He were to stop loving us, He would have to cease to exist." The fellas looked at me stupidly, and finally, Scoop said, "That was really deep..." But seriously, it's true. If God stopped loving us, He'd have to cease to exist and the whole world would be chaos. It's sad being smart. No one can relate to you.
• I watched snippets of the Grammys. I saw Kelly Clarkson get Pop Album of the Year and come on stage and say, "Thank you Jesus and God and everyone else who's helped me get here" while she was trying not to cry.
• Last night rocked. Derek and Glen recorded our practice and we sound really good as long as we're all on the same key and have a good beat going. (Except that when there's more than 3 female vocalists, we blend too much.)
• Nate tried to pour water on my head last night. I told him to be careful how he treats me because I have a plethora of brothers and I DO know how to defend myself. (I hit him with a pillow.)
• Derek and Nate tried to feed me a brownie while I was laying on the floor. I began to giggle hysterically. Silly boys.
• Someone wouldn't listen to me so I had to tell someone else my info and ask him to pass the info on to the other person. It's annoying to have to do things like that. Part of me wants to quit, which I expressed to the person who has to pass the message on, and I explained that the other person has made it pretty clear that he sees me as a person he can help and he doesn't want anything to do with me aside from that. I'm sick of being everyone's project. I just want someone to like me because they want to.
• I told Z that I was going home for Spring Break. He said, "You're not going to Big Break again?" He seemed a little disappointed when I told him I have no money. That was nice.
• Kris told me that I should ask the HK to go to the Valentine's Day Dinner at the Religious Center with me. Crap. Why does EVERYONE think I like him?? Seriously -- he'd never go with me. He has class at that time. (Sad that I know his class schedule. But I s'pose -- when he's just got one class and it's on Tuesday nights, it's pretty easy to remember.)
• I had this strange feeling that I needed to go to the computer lab this evening. I was going to go to the closest one, but something told me to pass it up and head over to the one further away. I walked in and the HK looked up from his computer and waved. After I finished what I was there for, I went over to ask him if I could talk with him sometime about the new Christian organization I'm working with and he said, "Yeah, definitely. But can we do that next week? I have this presentation tomorrow and basketball Friday and Saturday." I said, "Sure. Let me know what works for you -- I don't want to take away from your valuable studying time." He smiled. Dude. I made the HK smile. *Sigh* Life is a happy place. He has gorgeous eyes. *Sigh* YOU CAN'T LIKE HIM ANYMORE!
• My little cousins are getting married. They're 2 years younger than me and they're getting married. I feel SO old.... I want to break the family tradition. Most of the women (even ones marrying into the family) didn't get married until they were close to 30 and some even in their 40s. I want to be married before I'm 25. But yeah. That's not very likely. I only have 1 year and 3 months and 2 days....

I'm experiencing cognitive dissonance. I hate cognitive dissonance. I wish I hadn't told Glen about being the other person's "project." I wish I had the guts to confront him on my own. It's not that it really matters how he sees me, but sometimes it makes me sad because he's all happy toward other people and he ignores me. It makes me feel like crap because I hate having conditions of worth -- I'm good enough as I am. I shouldn't have to live up to other people's standards in order to be accepted.

And then there's Derek. And Nate. And Z. And the HK. Derek isn't a problem. That's happy. I like having guy friends that aren't problems. Z's not much of a problem. 'Cept that when Dr. Thompson told us in class that curls were considered a secondary sexual characteristic, he stared at me intently and raised an eyebrow, which made me turn red. It was slightly uncomfortable. I love Z.... He totally makes me laugh in class ALL the time. He makes life a happy place.

Nate. And the HK. :-/ I love those guys. I adore them. And I need to stop. It's a distraction. STOP GIRL! I want Nate in my life forever. He's awesome. Totally. Lol -- he wears camo pants and has totally cute hair and he looks good with facial hair. AND he plays guitar and sings pretty. I should ask him if he's good at math. Lol Anyway, I don't know what my deal is. I don't think I like him like that, but I DO want to be gooder friends with him, but I feel that I can't because if I do, I WILL start to like him in the wrong way, and regardless of how I feel about the issue, everyone is going to assume that I like him like that, and I really don't like interpersonal relationships between men and women. They're too difficult. And the HK has been really weird toward me lately -- he's suddenly extremely friendly and I don't know what to make of it. I don't want him to like me because he and I are not meant to be together. I spose I should just not worry because he probably doesn't feel that way anyway. Part of me wants to be significant to him and really LIKES how sweet he's been. The other part is sad because it knows that nothing will ever come of it.

I had funny dreams last night. Not funny as in "ha, ha," but funny as in distrubing. My brother wouldn't let me take a shower in the dream. He asked me why I thought I needed to. I said, "For the same reason YOU take a shower every day -- I'll smell if I don't." He said, "No, you won't. You can't take a shower." And there was a dead person. And I got lost in a parking ramp in Fargo and Ruthie and Heidi were with me and they knew how to get out better than I did, even though I had lived there forever.
~MJ