Surprise! (Part 2)

I've been thinking more about the whole being free thing.

I realized today that those times when crap is being brought to the surface and I'm totally miserable and stressed out, the only reason it's hard is because I fight it. I may or may not be aware that I'm fighting it, but that struggle to be on my own throne instead of letting God and His peace rule and reign in my heart is the thing that makes me so miserable. It's all my fault! I mean, I'm not saying that I'm trying to make myself miserable, but my unwillingness to yield to God and to the authorities in my life are the things that make me miserable. I can choose. It's up to ME. I don't HAVE to be miserable. I don't have to go through times of breaking -- where I literally feel like I'm falling apart. When they come, I can say, "Yes!" to God's way and "Sit still and shut up" to mine.

In other words, it's not as hard as I thought it was. I just have to choose to get down off my throne and let God be on it instead. The hard part is choosing. Sometimes the things you gotta do after that are tough, but they're nothing in comparison to the internal struggle of knowing to go God's way and insisting on your own way instead.

For example, I was involved in the leadership of a youth thing at my church. I had a conflict with the person in charge of leading worship. (I'll call him WL here, short for Worship Leader.) The whole co-dependence thing I talked about yesterday was a huge issue here. I wouldn't talk to WL about my issues because I didn't want to confront him. I didn't want to make things worse. I just wanted it to go away. Of course, it didn't go away. It just got worse and worse. I couldn't talk to WL myself, so I kept talking to OTHER people about it and it got pretty bad. Thank God he had a lot of grace and patience with me! At any rate, one day, I was praying, and God specifically said, "MJ, pick up your phone right now and call him." I said, "I don't want to!" And God said, "Do it anyway." When God tells you to do something like that, He gives you the grace to do it. I called WL and we discussed our differences and now he and I have a grand old time when we're together. (Last time I talked to him, I made him laugh really hard when I told him that Glamor Magazine says my hair resembles uncooked ramen noodles and that they would PROBABLY say I dress like a country bumpkin. :-P )

So, rather than just avoiding conflict, I need to address it right away so that people (myself included) don't get angry and bitter. It's so much easier in the long run.

I've been thinking a lot lately about myself and how I don't ever think about how I relate to the rest of the world. I always think of myself in my own little world. I just realized this yesterday. It's not ok.... I mean, if I was supposed to be in my own little world, God wouldn't have put me in a world full of people. As I've been thinking, a lot of questions have popped up. Like, "God, why did you do......? Why did I experience.....? Why do I have to be a person who struggles sometimes with co-dependent tendencies and hates conflict and gets kind of stressed out when she hears long, long tales of woe?" (I'm ok for a while -- say, 10 minutes. But when they go on for 45 minutes, I just can't handle it....) Why do I have to have so many issues? Why can't a guy like me? Why have I had to be single for this long and not even have any reason to think that might ever change? Why?

I think these are breakthrough questions. Yes, they're complaining, but as I begin to break through into the rest of society, I have to recognize where I am and how I really.... don't.... fit.

I was trying to fall asleep last night. I don't know what I was thinking about, but it had nothing to do with God or the Bible or the past or the future. I'm not so sure it had too much to do with the present either. But somewhere in my subconscious, something shouted out -- and I know it was a shout, cuz I wasn't paying attention to it AT ALL -- "MJ! Isaiah 45:2-9." I was just like, "Um...." And then I got to thinking.... I could read that....

This is what it says:
‘ I will go before you
And make the crooked places straight;
I will break in pieces the gates of bronze
And cut the bars of iron.
3 I will give you the treasures of darkness
And hidden riches of secret places,
That you may know that I, the LORD,
Who call you by your name,
Am the God of Israel.
4 For Jacob My servant’s sake,
And Israel My elect,
I have even called you by your name;
I have named you, though you have not known Me.
5 I am the LORD, and there is no other;
There is no God besides Me.
I will gird you, though you have not known Me,
6 That they may know from the rising of the sun to its setting
That there is none besides Me.
I am the LORD, and there is no other;
7 I form the light and create darkness,
I make peace and create calamity;
I, the LORD, do all these things.’
8 “ Rain down, you heavens, from above,
And let the skies pour down righteousness;
Let the earth open, let them bring forth salvation,
And let righteousness spring up together.
I, the LORD, have created it.
9 “ Woe to him who strives with his Maker!
Let the potsherd strive with the potsherds of the earth!
Shall the clay say to him who forms it, ‘What are you making?’
Or shall your handiwork say, ‘He has no hands’?

It was so comforting.... And then I saw verse 9 and I cringed. Who am I to question what God has done in my life and the things that have shaped me? Who am I?

I think God is definitely asking me to stop thinking of myself only in my own little world and to start thinking about how I relate to the world. It's hard because I was raised to be so religious and I just don't know how to handle a non-religious group of people. I want to be real and relevant to them, but I don't want to live the lifestyles they live. I'm totally ok with being a 25 year old virgin, but I think that scares people. How do I live authentically? How do I live a life that honors God without scaring people away? How can I be open about my beliefs and experiences without offending someone?

My happiness meter is off the charts.
Love,
~MJ

Surprise!

I'm free!

No, this does not mean that I'm easy. It just means that I'm not bogged down.

I sat down to write this and the word that came into my head for the subject was "surprise." It made me think of a song by Plumb that goes like this:

You thought you had me all tied up in a little knot
You thought I'd go on living just like you
till you ask me nicely to stop...

But, surprise

I'm free
I'm free
I'm free, to be the girl you tried to steal


I think this song totally describes me. People, fear, attitudes and worries tried to control me. I was literally all tied up in a little knot. I couldn't be who I was for fear of offending someone. Worry of what other people might be thinking or how they might react consumed me. These things really thought they could control me until THEY released me. They thought they were in charge. If worry and fear could think, they'd be thinking, "I've got you now and I'm not letting you go!"

But surprise! I'm free!!

I'm not who I thought I was -- or who everyone else thought I was.

I love to pray. Sometimes I go to the Prayer Room at my church, just to be alone and alive and real with God. When I go, I pray like this....

"God, thank you that you have begun a good work in me and that you are, and will be, faithful to complete it."

And, of course, a lot of other stuff.

I often pray, with fear and trembling, that God would strip away all the stuff that keeps me from being real with people. I pray this with fear and trembling because I know that the breaking and stripping is hard and painful. And so I ask for a Holy Ghost dose of grace along with it -- because the spiritual and the emotional are so closely related that it's almost like they're entwined. If God didn't pour out His grace as I am being broken, I would be a mess. I've had times when I probably could have used 4 or 5 doses of grace at once, and didn't get quite as much as I thought I needed. I feel sorry for my poor roommate when this happens.....

But after a all that turmoil, Surprise!!

I'm free!

Last night I was in a meeting where we talked about co-dependency. Co-dependency is a relational problem where one is very concerned about pleasing others and doing everything they can to keep peace with the people around them. It's a good thing to have a desire to please people and get along with people. It's a problem when it shapes every interaction and when it becomes impossible to be yourself and be real with people. Last night, I had to do an inventory thing to determine how co-dependent I am. There were 15 questions, and if you answered yes to 5 or more, you were at a level where you need to seek professional help.

As I read the questions, I thought to myself, "At one time, that was true of me. But it's not anymore!" Surprise! I'm free!

There were only 3 behaviors that I could say that I have an issue with on an every day basis.

And then I began to question.... There were some that were true sometimes, but not on an every day basis. I wondered if I was indeed really free of the co-dependent lifestyle, or if I was just getting incredibly self-centered or if maybe I was simply deceiving myself and only thinking that the statements weren't true of me.

When I sat down to write, I realized that it's not about whether or not I ever participate in co-dependent habits again. It's about the fact that somewhere along the line, I don't know when, where, or how, all that crap became a non-issue. I see this picture of me, standing at the foot of the cross, and I've dropped that burden. I think that I actually dropped that burden a while ago, but I wasn't aware of it at the time. Now that I know I've dropped it, it's time for me to say, "God, this is yours. I'm done with this," and turn around and walk away. I have to leave it there.

And when I leave it there, I will be free!

What a beautiful picture....



I wasn't even going to write about that tonight. I was just going to say how absolutely thrilled I am to be alive right now. I had the most incredible day ever. I ran around all day long and was incredibly busy, but somehow, I was able to cram everything in, and I still had time to get a few extra tasks done too, AND to reflect on God's goodness! How happy is that??? God is GOOD!

My roommate gave me an assignment to think of 5 happy things I've experienced throughout the day every day for a week and 3 things that I like about myself. My list is crazy today.... She's probably going to laugh at me when she sees it. But that's ok. :-)

Love,
~MJ