My notes from Psych

What if...
Gun control
Red
Handwriting Analysis
Paintball
Pants
Despair
Transitional epithelia
Acetaminophen
Torture
Alone
Park
Grip
Sympathetic Nervous System
Benadryl
Capitol punishment
Wound
Cranberry
Cholesterol
Pessimistic
Salacylic Acid
Night
Neuron
Dark
FEAR
sleep
Scars
Love is in the house
orange
Psychotic
Triangle
Spleen
UNFORGIVENESS
mercy killing
Break
Aorta
Deserted
Dendrite
death
tears
Terror
Germ Warfare
Captain Kangaroo
freedom
Kidney
Scream
911
Trigger
Social Skills
Weapon
HATE
New Zealand
Methamphetamine
Parasympathetic Nervous System
butcher
Trip
Desensitized
Thrombus
Sudafed
Electric Shock
deserted
Dendrite
This soiled world
Brain
Formaldehyde
suicide
stone
cold
green
ovary
criminal
Snow
inhibitor
war
Shot
abandoned
RECONCILIATION
Word over all, beautiful as the sky
Beautiful that war and all its deeds of carnage must in time be utterly lost,
The the hands of the sisters, Death and Night, incessantly softly wash again, and ever again, this soiled world;
For my enemy is dead, a man divine as myself is dead,
I look where he lies white-faced and still in the coffin -- I draw near,
Bend down and touch lightly with my lips the white face in the coffin.
(Whitman)

I swear I'm not bipolar. I just believe in giving sadness equal opportunity. I'm terrified and I don't know what to do about it. Too hard.
~MK

In which I discover that sometimes, I don't enjoy God's sense of humor very much

5:00 in the a.m. is way too early. And I've been saying that all week. Heidi and Ruthie told me I should go to church at 6:00 in the morning with them for the prayer service. I told them that it was WAY too early -- whoever thinks 6:00 in the morning is a good time to be awake and ready for the day is crazy. I told them I didn't want to go, but they kept bugging me about it. Finally, last night, over sparkling pink catawba and string cheese, I said, "Fine. I'm not going to set an alarm, but if I happen to be awake at 5:00, I'll come." Guess who was awake at 5:00 this morning in spite of not having set an alarm. God cracks me up sometimes -- this time isn't one of them. Ok, ok -- I'm just kidding. I have been telling people this story and they think it's hysterical. One of the RAs said, "It sounds like God was saying, 'MJ, you need to go to church today.'" It's cool that they recognize that God does speak... The sad part of the whole affair is that I was completely out of it -- and I still am. I think I'm going to take a nap.

But first, over the sparkling pink catawba and string cheese, I took a sip and I said, "I don't think I'd be a very good drinker..." Ruthie and Heidi looked at me funny and Tony said, "She means that she doesn't like how it tastes." Right Tony. Smart boy. I also commented that the cheese made the catawba taste pretty good. (Maybe there is something to the whole cheese with your wine thing, after all.) And Tony told us about his high school days when someone dared him to drink a liter of vodka in one night and he was so drunk that when he tried to drive home he ended up driving into 2 feet of water in a ditch and one of his friends told him he should go back down and turn the lights off and he ended up falling in. There are many more details I don't remember, but the most fascinating thing about it is that he actually remembers it... And, of course, the fact that he's not dead...
ZZZ
~MK

In which... I think I need a nap

But I can't have a nap because I have to meet with my prof in a little while and I wouldn't actually sleep in such a short period of time. Maybe I'll take a nap after I talk with him.

So, it's been a while...

Went home last weekend. We had lots of fun. The drive to and from was amazing -- well, the drive TO was cooler. I was really upset on the way back because my mom had said some things about my clothes which were... not nice. And I felt like crap and like she must hate me and I know that's NOT what she was saying, but my stupid brain automatically thinks "She hates me" (or he) if someone says something that's less than charitable about me. Stupid brain.

I've come to the conclusion that Shopko is bipolar. First I was out, then I was in...the latest is that I'm out again, apparently. But I don't know for sure. Like, I called on Monday to see when I was sheduled and I wasn't on the schedule and they had pulled my file folder thing that they put notes and the scheduled in. Nice. I'm so confused. I think God was just like, "This far and no further." They're such bullies over there... I think He has something way better for me than that.

Monday night rocked. I hung out with Ruthie and Heidi instead of going to Cru. It's sad that I get so much more out of hanging out with Ruthie and Heidi than I do going to Cru. I mean, one would think that with a Christian organization, you'd really get something out of being there -- but no. I'm not saying that it's anyone's fault or anything. I think it has more to do with the other attendees who only go because they were raised in church and want to hang around with other people who were raised in church. I always get the impression that when we are doing the Bible study and worship, everyone can't wait for it to be done so they can go tell sick jokes to each other and make fun of the people they refuse to talk to. Oh, how I loathe Cru... I mean, I don't loathe Cru. I just can't stand the attitude everyone has...

At lunch on Tuesday, I talked to Kris about the problem I have with Cru. He told me that he was going to talk to someone about people ignoring other people at Cru and I was like, "No way man -- it's not just me???" That was quite the revelation for me... I mean, I'm not the only one! So, I told him some ideas I had that could fix this problem and he said, "Oh, good. I'll share those with Andy when I meet with him tonight." He said, "You know, you should talk to Andy sometime." I was like, "I've heard that a time or two in the past few days..." Lol I talked to Kris again later and I told him that I think they need to talk about the fruits of the spirit and explain to everyone why it is important to not do what they're doing. I think that the most important thing is that they be made aware of what is going on and be given a reason as to why they need to change. They're not going to do anything if they aren't given a reason for doing it. I talked to Kris again at lunch today and he said that Andy liked my ideas and they're going to try to do it. Yay! When he said that, I was like, "Oh my goodness! They are actually taking me seriously??" Weird... THEN, I was just thinking about it a minute ago, and I think they should maybe do a skit where people kinda blow other people off and have the other people express their thoughts after this happens to them to demonstrate how critical this thing really is. Man, I could so write up a script for this thing...

Last night, I hung out with Ruthie, Heidi and Tony. I'm so confused. Not like, I'm losing sleep over it confused but -- I just don't get it. Like, Tony totally intimidates me, but at the same time, I'm drawn to him and I want to be around him all the time. He doesn't scare me at all -- but when he shows up, I just want to hide. But when he's not there, I want him to come. I've come to the conclusion that I really need to just hang out with him and do stuff with him when no one else is around and then he won't intimidate me anymore. He hugged me last night... It was nice. *Sigh* Some people give me a warm, fuzzy feeling.

Gotta meet the prof now. I love ya all.
~MK

In which I am officially a very happy girl

It's been a wonderful day. After class, I called Joyce to see if I could come in to talk to someone. The conversation went like this . . .
Joyce: What's going on today?
Me: Oh, nothing's upsetting me or anything. I was just talking to Ruthie last night and I have issues.
Joyce: You're just figuring this out now?
Me: No, I've known this for a long time. I just don't want to put up with it anymore.

Lol -- Joyce laughed and told me I was really funny and then she set up an appointment for me to talk to Bernie this afternoon. Yay.

After that, I was going to go upstairs in the Student Center, and I saw the Homecoming King sitting there and I talked to him for a while. That was really nice. He asked me when I was going to graduate and ugh. It's gonna be a while. I want to graduate tomorrow. I told him about my idea for a possible place to live next semester, and he said, "Why do you want to move off campus?" It's just because I make so much effort with these people. I try to be friendly and talk to people and no one will talk back. I live in this place, surrounded by hundreds of people, yet I'm all alone. It's very sad.

Then I went upstairs and Timmy called me. I talked to him for a while and then I decided to have lunch. Guess who else was having lunch. Eeek. I didn't eat much cuz I was talking. Lol -- It's not fair. He's only taking 3 credits next semester and doing basketball and then he's going to graduate. That makes me sad. But it was great talking to him. I told him about my parents being ok with the notion that perhaps I could be a professor. He made a comment about how my going to college must have changed how they view things and I said yeah, they had some expectations for us and we didn't do what they wanted us to do and they kinda freaked out and were like, "Oh no! Now what do we do." But now that we are where we are -- like with me in college and my brothers married -- they seem to be getting to be ok with it. He asked me if my parents didn't want the boys to get married at all, and I said, "Well . . . " and told him the unusual circumstances in the relationships, and he looked at me like I was crazy and said, "run that one by me again?" Lol -- I was explaining the whole situation in detail and then I was telling him about Dave and he said, "So, is he going to marry some woman that's 10 years older than him too??" I giggled and said, "Actually . . . " My family is so weird -- but totally awesome. He says that Dave is the most normal of any of them cuz Dave says he's going to marry someone who is currently still in high school. Oh dear. I love that boy . . . (To clarify, I love all the boys I've mentioned in this post thus far.)

Abominable. I like that word. Speaking of bulls . . . If you put a bomb in a bull, you can explode a bull. Ruthie and Rachel and I figured that out. And speaking of bulls, we were only familiar with bullpens as are related to the appropriate gender of bovine.

Eeek.
~MJ

Oh, how I loathe Shopko. I think I'm turning psychotic.

In which we discuss words of common usage and the (un)common usage of said usage (and other topics)

It's amazing what you can learn in class. Today I learned that the past tense of shit is shat. My professor used that term and I was like, "Oh my goodness!" It was an "ADD anonym . . . Oh, listen . . . a new tense for the term!" moment and then I thought about that for like 3 minutes and completely lost track of Thoreau. It's kinda like normal ADD, only words distract you, not objects. Speaking of Thoreau, he totally rocks my socks off. (I was going to say pants, but that's just dirty . . .) I love his ideas. It's totally ok to have nothing as far as he's concerned. He says that you should, instead of working six days and resting one, work one day and rest six. If you have to work more than that, you're working too much. The rest of the time, you should sit and think and revel in the landscape that radiates from the viewer. And write and walk and not do anything. Yeah. Sounds like fun . . . I was fascinated by what I heard about him. Everyone should read a little Thoreau.

Rehearsal rocked. I absolutely LOVE singing the Choral Fantasy with the orchestra. It is completely amazing. Yay German! Not really -- the German part is kinda weird but yeah. It rocks. If there is any way at all that you could come for it, I would STRONGLY recommend that you do so. It's totally amazing. It sends chills up your spine. I'm not kidding!

We're doing this "I agree with Andy" campaign for Cru. I'm not part of it because I don't have money to spend on shirts that say "I agree with Andy" on them. But I have a lovely time with the whole thing because most people there don't know me, so I randomly ask people what they agree with Andy about, and they don't even know . . . I've only had 3 people give me an answer other than "come to CC 117 on Monday at 9:15 to find out," and I've asked at least a dozen people. Anyway, I was at dinner today and half-way through my meal, I realized that the Homecoming King was sitting with his back to me at the table in front of me, and when he got up I said, "Andy!" He turned around and said, "Hey M.J." I said, "Do you agree with Andy?" "I AM Andy," he said dryly. Very dryly. Then he said, "Check this out" and showed me his "I'm Andy" shirt under his hoodie. (I thought to myself, thought I, "I'm more interested in the abdominus longus than what's covering it . . ." Not really, but hey, it sounded good!) Then he said, "Do you agree with Andy?" I said, "Yeah . . . " He said, "Why aren't you wearing a shirt?" I explained that sadly, I'm too poor to "agree with Andy" in this thing -- my head and my heart agree with Andy, but my pocketbook says "no way." I said, "I'm poor, but it's ok. It's funner to be poor." He was like, "I gotta go." And I was sad cuz I think I scared him away. Why don't people like being around people who don't complain about their circumstances?

I was supposed to go to talk to people at Shopko today, but the person I was supposed to call apparently never showed up to work today. I would not place a bet on that one -- I suspect that she just doesn't want to talk to me and she told them to tell me she wasn't in. I hate that place with a burning passion from deep within my soul . . .
I <3>
~MK

In which I've had enough

I quit Shopko. One would think that an employer could expect someone to quit if they expect them to fail a class for them. But not Shopko. I called them today because the service desk people told me to talk to a manager about this situation. Kelly told me that quitting was the wrong reaction (Oh. Well, what would you do in that situation?) and I have no right to expect to have any specific hours free for classes and school activities. Well then, if that's how they're going to be, I really have no desire to work there anyway. She told me to call and schedule a time to talk with her and the store manager on Thursday. This is absolutely ridiculous. I hate that place with a burning passion from deep within my soul. When I got off the phone I started bawling like a baby. What would be the point of going in to talk with them? Norine is going to say she said no such thing about choir weekends (which would be a fib but it would be "ok" because she'd be saving her rear), and they're going to tell me I was the worst person they'd ever hired because I think it's ridiculous for them to expect me to fail a class for them. They'll tell me that no one would fail for not being there once and I'd say "oh yeah? Want to bet? Here's Mr. Svenningsen's phone number. Call him and ask if I'd fail if I missed those days."

I'm really upset right now. I just want to cry. I had a really sore throat on Sunday night and I was like, "Man, how am I supposed to do these rehearsals and the concert if I can barely even talk?"Monday morning my throat felt ok, but every once in a while, I got a really sharp pain in my throat and my airways would start to close up and I'd cough really hard and I'd feel like I was going to vomit. The first time it happened, I was trying to take notes in stats and I felt so sick I almost got up and left. I started to lose my voice in the afternoon and I was like, "Man, how am I supposed to do choir like this??" At choir, Mr. Svenningsen decided to cut out some sopranos in one part of a song because we were totally drowning out the altos, so he had a bunch of us sing in little groups and he had me do it twice and he finally selected me and 4 or 5 others to be in. I was like, "What? I can't even sing today. Why me??" But it was cool. Totally. :-) I went to the doctor today and they told me that I probably just had a very mild cold and I'd be fine by Sunday for the concert. Yay! She even checked my ears, nose, throat and lungs. I haven't had anyone do that in ages . . .

On a happier note . . . I discovered that I'm not invisible. Eee! Isn't that exciting? I find Beich and Andy hilarious. They dressed up as each other for halloween. Yeah. It's so funny because Andy and much bigger than Beich so Beich drowns in Andy's clothes and Beich's clothes were obviously too tight for Andy. The holes in the knees of Beich's pants were up on his thighs and the legs only went to his calves. Andy's t-shirt sleeves went to Beich's elbows and his shorts went almost as far down as Beich's jeans went on Andy. They looked so ridiculous but it was so funny. I sat down and Andy asked Nikki and Ashley to do something for him and while they were gone, everyone was sitting down and Andy sat down behind me and said, "Hey. MJ." I turned around and said, "Hi." He said, "I haven't seen you in a long time." I thought to myself, "Man, I never thought I'd hear that from anyone here -- least not ANDY . . . " His saying that made my day. I didn't think he even realized I was there half of the time, but he actually noticed that I wasn't around for a while. Wow. But yeah -- I would have been just as thrilled if it had been anyone else, too. It means that I'm really not invisible and people do see me. Yippee!

I sat down at lunch with the youngest Wiersma and Katrina and another girl. Everyone was wearing "I agree with Andy" shirts because we're trying to get more people to go to Cru and having 50 people wearing shirts that say "I agree with Andy" around school for a week makes people ask what is up. I sat down and I said, "This Andy person must be a pretty cool guy . . . What exactly does this Andy believe?" It was so funny because the girl that I didn't know was really confused and whispered something to Scoop and Scoop was like, "No . . . no . . . no . . ." And I was like, "What???" But they wouldn't tell me. Now I'm confused. Hm.

I heart you all.
~MK