Killing the Giants

Then said David to the Philistine, You come to me with a sword, a spear, and a javelin, but I come to you in the name of the Lord of hosts, the God of the ranks of Israel, Whom you have defied. This day the Lord will deliver you into my hand, and I will smite you and cut off your head. And I will give the corpses of the army of the Philistines this day to the birds of the air and the wild beasts of the earth, that all the earth may know that there is a God in Israel. -1 Samuel 17:45-46

This passage of Scripture is from the well-known story of David and Goliath. I was just reading a bit from the introduction to "The Secret Power of Speaking God's Word" (Joyce Meyer), and she says that in this story, David speaks what isn't (yet) as though it were (already), (This day the Lord will deliver you into my hand, and I will smite you and cut off your head. And I will give the corpses of the army of the Philistines this day to the birds of the air and the wild beasts of the earth) and through doing nothing more than speaking in faith and acting on his words, he was given the victory over a situation that seemed hopeless.

I was thinking about this story and how it might relate to this day and age. We don't exactly have large men that spew out blasphemies against God and threaten to squash us like little bugs these days.

But we do have other crap that happens in our lives. There's war and disease and famine and economic hardships. Sometimes we might lose our job or a loved one might die. We might experience extreme hardships. These things are our modern-day Giants.

God, by nature, is a positive being. He does not sit up there, speaking curses over us. He created mankind to bring Him glory and honor, and how can we bring Him glory and honor if we're living as if we're cursed by God. It follows that most of the hardships we endure PROBABLY aren't placed upon us by God. Some of them might be -- those are to test us and to sanctify us and to purify our faith.

But a lot of times, Satan is the one responsible. Satan is doing his best to blaspheme God by cursing His most prized creations. Satan attacks us and then whines at us, "Where is your God NOW?" He curses us and then he mocks us with the intention of destroying our faith.

How exactly do we deal with these things? I think David's words are an absolutely beautiful answer to that. I come to you in the name of the Lord of hosts, the God of the ranks of Israel, Whom you have defied. David recognizes that the battle has nothing to do with HIM. This battle is between God and Goliath (Satan). David is merely the human body that acts out the will of God. This day the Lord will deliver you into my hand. He knows that he has nothing to fear, because God can not be defeated. ....That all the earth may know that there is a God in Israel. He knows that God will win, and he knows that because of that victory, all people will KNOW that the God of Israel is truly God.

It wasn't so much about David knowing what would happen. He probably didn't -- REALLY -- know. All he knew was God. He knew God's character. He knew God's heart. He knew God's protection and provision. And David, knowing the truth about Who God is, could go against this huge, angry man, and declare with confidence that This day the Lord will deliver you into my hand, and I will smite you and cut off your head. And I will give the corpses of the army of the Philistines this day to the birds of the air and the wild beasts of the earth.

When we know God's character, we can speak the things that aren't (yet) as though they are (already) (Romans 4:17). We can expect to be victorious. We can experience amazing things if we get to know who God really is and then begin to speak the things that we know to be true.
Love,
~MJ
PS TWO MONTHS until Graduation and my birthday!

My Last Semester in College

I found the prices for my textbooks today. And I just about had a heart attack. Thank God I am graduating....

Counseling and Psychotherapy -------> $91
Workbook ---------------------------> $35
Shakespeare -------------------------> $70
Rural and Regional Lit ---------------> $70 (total for 5 books)
Philosophy ---------------------------> $130
Study Guide -------------------------> $50
_____
Total --------------------------------> $446


They say that writers are hungry people. Considering the price of books, it looks like writers should be some of the more wealthy people.... Maybe I'll write textbooks when I grow up....
~MJ
PS I'm graduating 4 months from tomorrow!!!!!!!!

My Happiness Meter is Off the Charts!

I got up this morning and checked my grades and I got a 4.0 this semester! I was so thrilled that I decided to call my grandma and tell her about it, but I couldn't do that until I was ready to leave for work. I made a point of leaving early so I'd be sure to have time to call. She was equally thrilled. :-)

The whole thing about my GPA is really neat for me because I had just been talking with my roommate about school and how my sophomore year and the beginning of my junior year were completely awful. I had just looked at my academic record and realized that Fall semester of my junior year, I was dangerously close to being placed on academic probation because my grades were so low that semester.

The whole semester was kind of weird. My brothers got married and I broke my foot and there was the business of people invading my family on multiple levels. It seemed as if more than my foot was broken. I felt like my life was falling apart.

At the end of the semester, I realized that I was doing the wrong thing. I changed my major the next semester. I still took the same classes I had been signed up for the next semester, but it was as if just declaring another major flipped an invisible switch and things started to fall into place.

I made the decision on a whim, but it turned out that the "whim" was exactly what I needed to be doing and it changed everything. It was like I had moved into the grace of God with that decision -- I went from almost failing to a 3.7 in one semester. You can only do that if it's God..... I swear....

This semester has been the busiest of any semester. I worked two jobs on top of 12 credits, an internship and five weekly extracurricular activities. And I still managed to get a 4.0.... It's a miracle....

And I'm graduating in four months and fifteen days. Oh my gosh.....
~MJ

Mhm

I'm graduating seven months from today.

I'm also turning 26 seven months from today.

How frightening.


Love,
~MJ

Surprise! (Part 2)

I've been thinking more about the whole being free thing.

I realized today that those times when crap is being brought to the surface and I'm totally miserable and stressed out, the only reason it's hard is because I fight it. I may or may not be aware that I'm fighting it, but that struggle to be on my own throne instead of letting God and His peace rule and reign in my heart is the thing that makes me so miserable. It's all my fault! I mean, I'm not saying that I'm trying to make myself miserable, but my unwillingness to yield to God and to the authorities in my life are the things that make me miserable. I can choose. It's up to ME. I don't HAVE to be miserable. I don't have to go through times of breaking -- where I literally feel like I'm falling apart. When they come, I can say, "Yes!" to God's way and "Sit still and shut up" to mine.

In other words, it's not as hard as I thought it was. I just have to choose to get down off my throne and let God be on it instead. The hard part is choosing. Sometimes the things you gotta do after that are tough, but they're nothing in comparison to the internal struggle of knowing to go God's way and insisting on your own way instead.

For example, I was involved in the leadership of a youth thing at my church. I had a conflict with the person in charge of leading worship. (I'll call him WL here, short for Worship Leader.) The whole co-dependence thing I talked about yesterday was a huge issue here. I wouldn't talk to WL about my issues because I didn't want to confront him. I didn't want to make things worse. I just wanted it to go away. Of course, it didn't go away. It just got worse and worse. I couldn't talk to WL myself, so I kept talking to OTHER people about it and it got pretty bad. Thank God he had a lot of grace and patience with me! At any rate, one day, I was praying, and God specifically said, "MJ, pick up your phone right now and call him." I said, "I don't want to!" And God said, "Do it anyway." When God tells you to do something like that, He gives you the grace to do it. I called WL and we discussed our differences and now he and I have a grand old time when we're together. (Last time I talked to him, I made him laugh really hard when I told him that Glamor Magazine says my hair resembles uncooked ramen noodles and that they would PROBABLY say I dress like a country bumpkin. :-P )

So, rather than just avoiding conflict, I need to address it right away so that people (myself included) don't get angry and bitter. It's so much easier in the long run.

I've been thinking a lot lately about myself and how I don't ever think about how I relate to the rest of the world. I always think of myself in my own little world. I just realized this yesterday. It's not ok.... I mean, if I was supposed to be in my own little world, God wouldn't have put me in a world full of people. As I've been thinking, a lot of questions have popped up. Like, "God, why did you do......? Why did I experience.....? Why do I have to be a person who struggles sometimes with co-dependent tendencies and hates conflict and gets kind of stressed out when she hears long, long tales of woe?" (I'm ok for a while -- say, 10 minutes. But when they go on for 45 minutes, I just can't handle it....) Why do I have to have so many issues? Why can't a guy like me? Why have I had to be single for this long and not even have any reason to think that might ever change? Why?

I think these are breakthrough questions. Yes, they're complaining, but as I begin to break through into the rest of society, I have to recognize where I am and how I really.... don't.... fit.

I was trying to fall asleep last night. I don't know what I was thinking about, but it had nothing to do with God or the Bible or the past or the future. I'm not so sure it had too much to do with the present either. But somewhere in my subconscious, something shouted out -- and I know it was a shout, cuz I wasn't paying attention to it AT ALL -- "MJ! Isaiah 45:2-9." I was just like, "Um...." And then I got to thinking.... I could read that....

This is what it says:
‘ I will go before you
And make the crooked places straight;
I will break in pieces the gates of bronze
And cut the bars of iron.
3 I will give you the treasures of darkness
And hidden riches of secret places,
That you may know that I, the LORD,
Who call you by your name,
Am the God of Israel.
4 For Jacob My servant’s sake,
And Israel My elect,
I have even called you by your name;
I have named you, though you have not known Me.
5 I am the LORD, and there is no other;
There is no God besides Me.
I will gird you, though you have not known Me,
6 That they may know from the rising of the sun to its setting
That there is none besides Me.
I am the LORD, and there is no other;
7 I form the light and create darkness,
I make peace and create calamity;
I, the LORD, do all these things.’
8 “ Rain down, you heavens, from above,
And let the skies pour down righteousness;
Let the earth open, let them bring forth salvation,
And let righteousness spring up together.
I, the LORD, have created it.
9 “ Woe to him who strives with his Maker!
Let the potsherd strive with the potsherds of the earth!
Shall the clay say to him who forms it, ‘What are you making?’
Or shall your handiwork say, ‘He has no hands’?

It was so comforting.... And then I saw verse 9 and I cringed. Who am I to question what God has done in my life and the things that have shaped me? Who am I?

I think God is definitely asking me to stop thinking of myself only in my own little world and to start thinking about how I relate to the world. It's hard because I was raised to be so religious and I just don't know how to handle a non-religious group of people. I want to be real and relevant to them, but I don't want to live the lifestyles they live. I'm totally ok with being a 25 year old virgin, but I think that scares people. How do I live authentically? How do I live a life that honors God without scaring people away? How can I be open about my beliefs and experiences without offending someone?

My happiness meter is off the charts.
Love,
~MJ

Surprise!

I'm free!

No, this does not mean that I'm easy. It just means that I'm not bogged down.

I sat down to write this and the word that came into my head for the subject was "surprise." It made me think of a song by Plumb that goes like this:

You thought you had me all tied up in a little knot
You thought I'd go on living just like you
till you ask me nicely to stop...

But, surprise

I'm free
I'm free
I'm free, to be the girl you tried to steal


I think this song totally describes me. People, fear, attitudes and worries tried to control me. I was literally all tied up in a little knot. I couldn't be who I was for fear of offending someone. Worry of what other people might be thinking or how they might react consumed me. These things really thought they could control me until THEY released me. They thought they were in charge. If worry and fear could think, they'd be thinking, "I've got you now and I'm not letting you go!"

But surprise! I'm free!!

I'm not who I thought I was -- or who everyone else thought I was.

I love to pray. Sometimes I go to the Prayer Room at my church, just to be alone and alive and real with God. When I go, I pray like this....

"God, thank you that you have begun a good work in me and that you are, and will be, faithful to complete it."

And, of course, a lot of other stuff.

I often pray, with fear and trembling, that God would strip away all the stuff that keeps me from being real with people. I pray this with fear and trembling because I know that the breaking and stripping is hard and painful. And so I ask for a Holy Ghost dose of grace along with it -- because the spiritual and the emotional are so closely related that it's almost like they're entwined. If God didn't pour out His grace as I am being broken, I would be a mess. I've had times when I probably could have used 4 or 5 doses of grace at once, and didn't get quite as much as I thought I needed. I feel sorry for my poor roommate when this happens.....

But after a all that turmoil, Surprise!!

I'm free!

Last night I was in a meeting where we talked about co-dependency. Co-dependency is a relational problem where one is very concerned about pleasing others and doing everything they can to keep peace with the people around them. It's a good thing to have a desire to please people and get along with people. It's a problem when it shapes every interaction and when it becomes impossible to be yourself and be real with people. Last night, I had to do an inventory thing to determine how co-dependent I am. There were 15 questions, and if you answered yes to 5 or more, you were at a level where you need to seek professional help.

As I read the questions, I thought to myself, "At one time, that was true of me. But it's not anymore!" Surprise! I'm free!

There were only 3 behaviors that I could say that I have an issue with on an every day basis.

And then I began to question.... There were some that were true sometimes, but not on an every day basis. I wondered if I was indeed really free of the co-dependent lifestyle, or if I was just getting incredibly self-centered or if maybe I was simply deceiving myself and only thinking that the statements weren't true of me.

When I sat down to write, I realized that it's not about whether or not I ever participate in co-dependent habits again. It's about the fact that somewhere along the line, I don't know when, where, or how, all that crap became a non-issue. I see this picture of me, standing at the foot of the cross, and I've dropped that burden. I think that I actually dropped that burden a while ago, but I wasn't aware of it at the time. Now that I know I've dropped it, it's time for me to say, "God, this is yours. I'm done with this," and turn around and walk away. I have to leave it there.

And when I leave it there, I will be free!

What a beautiful picture....



I wasn't even going to write about that tonight. I was just going to say how absolutely thrilled I am to be alive right now. I had the most incredible day ever. I ran around all day long and was incredibly busy, but somehow, I was able to cram everything in, and I still had time to get a few extra tasks done too, AND to reflect on God's goodness! How happy is that??? God is GOOD!

My roommate gave me an assignment to think of 5 happy things I've experienced throughout the day every day for a week and 3 things that I like about myself. My list is crazy today.... She's probably going to laugh at me when she sees it. But that's ok. :-)

Love,
~MJ

Oh boy....

So tired.... Too much homework....

I have to write a paper this weekend. But after that's done, I only have 4 major papers left for the semester.

Love,
~MJ

Advil PM

I learned that Advil PM is not the thing to take if you only have 8 hours.

I woke up this morning and took a shower. Then I brushed my teeth. Apparently, somewhere in there, I went into the living room and grabbed my shoes and took them into the kitchen and put them on the floor. After brushing my teeth, I went to put my shoes on and I couldn't find them. I had to go downstairs and find another pair, which would have been extremely uncomfortable to wear since I was working 12 hours between 3 jobs today. When I got upstairs, I spotted my shoes in the kitchen. I have no memory of picking them up from the living room at all.

It was a rough day. I almost vomited at the library. I felt so nauseous.... But the library job is going to rock. I get to close the library 4 days a week. I get to be escorted through all 4 floors by a Rent-a-Cop every night (they say it's not safe for me to be going to the various floors to lock up all alone....) and I get to make the closing announcement. How cool is that?

By the time I got to DQ, I was shaking. I felt awful.... After I stopped running around and did nothing but stir water into the butterscotch for a while, I stopped shaking and calmed down. Later, I went to the bathroom, and I swear, I used the last of the toilet paper and there were no paper towels. I told S. this and she went to look for some. After a minute, she came back and said, "MJ, both the toilet paper and the paper towels are completely full." I swear.... I used the last scrap of toilet paper and I turned the handle on the paper towel thing both ways and nothing happened. After a minute I said, "Shucks.... Maybe I was in the men's room...."

That's how strange my day was....

I worked at Commons too. Between the three jobs, I pretty much worked from 9:45 this morning until 9:45 tonight. Commons was boring. I almost died. I had only one check-in in the entire time I was there. I got paid $8 an hour to sit and crochet. I said something brilliant to my brother in a text message: "No one can altar God's will, but they can manipulate things to ultimately cause something less than God's will to happen." Yeah.... I typed it in and then I was like, "Dude, I think I said something really smart...."

It was a kind of difficult time at Commons. I felt so alone.... Kind of like I always felt when I lived on campus. Like everyone saw me but no one KNEW me and worse, no one even cared. Jess and a bunch of RAs were talking in the office and none of them even acknowledged that I was there. After they all left (and still didn't acknowledge that I was there), I cried. I'm not kidding. I think it was good that moved off campus when I did. It's not like it's a terrible place. It's just that this statement is very true of that place: There's no lonlier place than a big crowd in a city." You basically only have friends if you're Res. Life staff, an athlete, homecoming royalty or are part of the party scene. Everyone else is a loser. I pretty much hate it. It made me so sad....
~MJ

Terrible Day

When I was a wee little lassie, my mom used to read a book to me and my brothers entitled "Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day." The book begins, "I went to bed with gum in my mouth. Now there's gum in my hair." It goes on to describe all the terrible things that happen -- like having a tooth filled at the dentist, having the ice cream part fall off his strawberry ice cream cone -- and land in Australia -- and not getting to get cool sneakers, simply because his feet were the wrong size. I don't remember much about this story, except that someone keeps telling him, "Some days are like that. Even in Australia."

I thought of this story today.

I was almost late for work. Then, I had to do the entire opening list by myself because Nick refused to help. He just stood there and watched. Then Nick went in the back and I was the only person up front, so I had to finish the list AND help all the customers. If you're the only person, you can do one or the other, but you can't do both.

I told C. that I wasn't going to do another thing on the list because I shouldn't have to do everything around there and he said, "You can bag the DQ Sandwiches and Busters." I told him that I had asked Nick to do the second half of the list and that he had refused, and C. said, "Nick. Go bag the DQ Sandwiches and Busters." Nick was happy to oblige.

I was thinking, "Chauvinistic pig!"

And I had to finish the list anyway.

I could have kicked Nick in the balls.

To make a bad day worse, the blizzard machine kept flinging ice cream at me. It's normal to encounter stray spatters here and there, but this was different. It wasn't just spatters. It was globs. I could have cried. One of the first things I made was a shake. When I got the ice cream soft enough, I turned the speed up just a little bit and the shake went everywhere. I had ice cream running down my front, ice cream in my hair, ice cream on my face and even ice cream in my eye. I don't know how I managed to get ice cream in my eye without getting any on my glasses, but I did....

Nick continued to do nothing most of the day. Whenever something ran out, I'd go over to S. and I'd say, "I dare you to ask Nick to fill that...." And we'd both giggle hysterically. Cuz we know that he won't.

Nick makes me sick. I mean, he gets paid as much as me, and most of the time he just stands around. I work WAY harder than he does. It's NOT fair....

At around 3:00, S. and I were running around trying to get everyone taken care of, and I said, "Where's Nick?" S. said, "I don't know...." I spotted him sitting at a table full of people. When we got some more customers, I hollered out, "Nick. It's time to WORK. It's NOT time to sit." He came running in a hurry.

After the rush, S. told him that he could leave. He said, "But it's busy...." S. said, "Yes, but I know we can handle it because we've been working all day without your help. We'll be fine."

Nick was furious. Furious enough to do something. He worked really well for the last hour and a half. Unfortunately, I know his personality well enough to know that he didn't do it out of some kind of bizarre conviction about the need to work for his pittance. He did it because no one is going to tell HIM what to do. If he doesn't want to go home, he's not going to go home. It's really kind of ridiculous. It hurt his pride to be told to go home when it wasn't dead.

He argued about it with S. for a while, which was really petty and ridiculous.

The rest of the day was better. Until about 4:45. To make a worse day rotten (to quote Mr. what's-his-face whose name I can't remember from the story entitled "Mr. What's-His-Face and the Comparative and the Superlative"), the Jehovah's Witness dudes came in. One of them was totally checking me out. I felt kind of dirty and gross. I was like, "Sorry buddy.... I'm not turned on by business apparel from the 70s and those cutsey little JW name badges."

He paid with EBT, which was even more of a turn-off for me. I prefer a guy who is able to purchase his fast food without public assistance.

Just before 5, I was telling S. about the JW dude that was checking me out and she said, "Oh? Hey, he goes to church...." And I was like, "No, no, no, S!" No! A million times no! That church is BAD. And she agreed. During all this discussion, it got to be 5:00 and then it was 5:03 and none of the evening people were there yet.

I went to investigate and J. said, "We were waiting for you to tell us to come." He told me that he got so used to my telling them to punch in that they can't do it without my permission now. I could have kicked J. in the balls too. If they're responsible enough to have a job, they should be responsible enough to not need to be told when to punch in.

All I can say is "Some days are like that. Even in Australia."
For Pete's sake.
Love,
~MJ

Eeee!

I got to pray with someone to ask Jesus into her heart tonight! Yay!
Love,
~MJ